Little League Coach (8)

Original Posting:
Little League Coach Needed

I’m coaching the **** ***** little league baseball team next summer, ages 10-12. I need someone from the area to help out since no parents have offered. Let me know if you have experience and want to help. Number is ***-***-****.

Negotiation Strategy:
Mark and I each have our own reasons for wanting to coach this team. It didn’t quite work out…

My best friend Mark and I are very interested in coaching!

Ned Wingfield

Can you tell me about your baseball coaching experience/knowledge and why you guys want to volunteer?

Rob

Bob,

As far as coaching goes, I’ve coached and even played tons of games in Super Baseball 2020 on my sega genesis. Mark has played countless times too. We are ready to take it to the next level and want to start using real people.

We will bring a lot to the table. Mark is actually a high school gym teacher. Now he specializes in teaching girls so I don’t know if that will help the baseball team as much, but it’s still good that he is a gym teacher I think. I have not really played sports myself in some time, but I keep in shape by extreme hunting. I think that whacking a baby mountain lion with a club is probably pretty similar to hitting a home run (at least the adrenaline rush would be the same). I’ll be happy to teach the kids my skull-cracking technique. Also, I’ve been growing my own tobacco for years. I’m a non-smoker but my mom is a chain smoker so I like to grow it for her. I’d be happy to bring some to each game (for cost + 10%) since I know chewing tobacco is important for baseball players.

I’m not sure what your take is on steroids, but I happen to have a bunch of leftover raccoon growth hormones from a project I recently completed. If you think this could take our star pitcher to the next level then I’d be willing to sell some to the team. I figure that the league would never expect this since the kids are so young. It’s pretty sneaky but obviously winning comes first so I think it’s a good idea. I hear this is the ’steroid era’ after all.

Personally, if I was as desperate as you for some help, I wouldn’t be questioning anything about why it’s being offered. But since you asked, I need to fill my government mandated “volunteer” hours related to a hunting infraction.

I think this is a perfect match for my unique skill set.

Ned

P.S. – Did you know you can’t hunt in public parking lots…even if you corner a mountain lion there?

Thanks but we won’t need your help. im not gving our kids steroids and you sound crazy to be honest

Rob

Bob,

Sounds like you aren’t serious about winning so count me out. I don’t want to work with a coach who isn’t willing to do whatever it takes. No offense.

I’m going to start my own team with kids from the foster home. I’ll reward them with food and clues about where their parents are (fake obviously, lol!) so they will stay highly motivated and this will also count for my hours. See you in the playoffs! (if you make it)

Anyway, Mark is excited about starting with you. I told him to be in touch.

Ned

stop emailing me dickhead. I meant we don’t want either of you losers.

Coach Robbert,

great to have you on board. i heard something about being an assistant coach but i think since i’m a physical education teacher i should be the head coach. i appreciate you not causing a fuss by the way. now, im not sure what the situation is with tryouts but i think we should hold new ones. im assuming your kid is on the team and it wouldnt be fair if he only got on becuase you’re the coach. so lets have a tryout this sunday. i’ll bring some of my homemade gatorade (gatorade + scope).

also, ned mentioned that you didn’t want him as a coach. i understand that. i beat the guy like 70% of the time on sega so youre making the right call. however, i told him he could be the trainer. i hope you dont mind. i just figured since im the head coach its my call for stuff like this. also, ned has a lot of experiences with sutures and needles and stuff from his taxidermy practice. he says he has a lot of experience taking apart small primates too so i suppose he has basically operated on children. im sure parents will trust their kids’ safety with ned.

great. so let’s meet up this week and start designing some plays. i know a few tricks from 2020  but im not sure if your league has rocket packs like the game so you might have to take the lead on this one.

i took the liberty of doing a reverse look-up of your phone number. you actually live pretty close by so ill just drop by on the way home from work one day this week.

see ya soon playa,

Coach Mark Sennis

ps- is this a co-ed team? Ned may have mentioned that i specialize in young girls.

You are not coaching with me. DO NOT COME OVER!!

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