Unsanctioned Demolition (11)

Original Posting:
Disposal service

We do old fences, above ground pools, unsafe garages, sheds, carpet removol, concreat driveways and pre-renovation demo work etc. free disposal

Also do junk removal and major hauling for a fee when no demolition is needed. Call Aasif @ (***)***-****

Negotiation Strategy:
My Korean neighbor left on vacation two days ago so I had to try this out. My goal was to demolish her house while she was gone. I figure I’d be doing the city a favor. I tried reporting it to a city inspector a year ago but they didn’t listen. As a good citizen, I had to take this into my own hands / someone else’s hands to avoid personal liability. Just to be safe I used an alias though (my altar ego, “Den”).

Also, I figured since I’m surprising my neighbor this might make a great new reality TV show. I want to film the demolition and get reaction shots of my neighbor when she returns. Then I’ll pitch the show to some of those house/home networks. This way I’m killing two birds with one stone (I’ve actually done this!).

Hi there,

Just bought a new house and I would like you to destroy my old one for me.

So how does this work? Do I just give you an address and what I want done?  Cash or barter?

Let me know.

Den

I need more details – Aasif

Aasif,

I would like to demolish a two-story house. As a bonus, If you can do it this week, I’ll let you keep whatever you find in the rubble.

Den

That’s a big project and probly beyond our scale. Where are you located den? I can come and take a look. Also, would you liek to use our moving service.  We have a very good rate for takeing your things to your new home. – Aasif

Aasif,

Nah, it’s mostly asian furniture, asian food, some cats, and other replaceable items. May as well not risk taking the time to move them all. When is the earliest you can come and destroy my place?

Also, are you using a wrecking-ball or explosives?  I used up all of my nitro and most of my TNT last month but have a bit left over.  It may be enough to collapse the structural integrity of the south-eastern side since it’s been weakened by my handsome neighbor shooting his compound bow at the wall on countless occasions. I can leave the TNT at the site for you.

I won’t be present at the demolition so when you arrive, feel free to just get started. I’ll leave some lemonade by the TNT to keep your productivity up. Also, I’ve hired a film crew to document this for my personal archives so make sure you comply with any interview requests (that’s what she said, lol!).

Let me know if we have a deal and I’ll send you my address.

Den

You are leaving your cats in? And filming?? Can you send me a permit or something so I know this is allowed. This is pretty strange. -Aasif

Aasif,

I don’t have a permit. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one

Den

Sorry Den I talked this over with my partner and were going to have to pass -Aasif

Aasif,

Your partner? I didn’t realize…

Look Aasif, let me level with you. Try not to explode, lol. I’m the producer of a new reality show called “Total Demolition, No Permission” and we are filming our pilot episode. Basically when someone goes on vacation we demolish their house and when they return, we film them freaking out. It’s a can’t miss hit. I’m hoping for primetime. At the very least it will obviously be a hit in Japan.

If you do this demolition for us we will use you for future episodes. We can even use you guys being gay as a twist. We can paint the wrecking ball pink or something. This could be a great opportunity for you and your partner!

You should really start thinking about expanding your business. Disposal is small time. Unsanctioned demolitions are the big leagues. Time to step it up.

Den

Den this is completely ridiculous and I’m not gay I was talking about my business partner. What’s your phone number? I want to give you a piece of mind! -Aasif

Aasif,

I’m not surprised you don’t know how to take ‘constructive’ criticism.

Den

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