Haunted House (7)

Original Internet Ad:
Help build a haunted house for halloween

Help our community center build a haunted house. Any volunteers are welcome. Must own closed-toed shoes and a good heart.

Contact Murray at ***-***-**** for time/location.

Negotiation Strategy:
I have so many items that are perfect for this so I figured I could really cash in on Halloween this year. It’s usually my second most profitable holiday just below Martin Luther King day (obviously).

Hi there,

I would love this job. I spend a lot of time looking at personal ads and trying to find work. It hardly ever works out though, so I should most likely be free to work on the haunted house. I can safely say this job is perfect for me. I have the necessary skills and qualifications.

Just as a teaser, I’m a certified amusement ride inspector, certified premium haunted house operator and I almost have my special FX/lighting degree. I also have a license to kill (1989 collectors ed. VHS). I’m your ideal candidate, no offense.

Let me know if you’re interested and I can send a photocopy of my high school equivalency transcript.

I am ready to haunt!

Ned!

Hi Ned,

Sounds like you keep pretty busy but frankly I don’t need to know all this. Just give Murray a call or show up at ******** Community Center on Sunday, the 25th at 2:00 PM. You don’t need to give us a transcript or anything. Thanks for volunteering your time!!

-Melissa

Hi Melissa,

Sorry, but I don’t use the phone except for calling my mother during Wheel of Fortune.

Anyway, I have a ton of “haunted” stuff at home that I’ll bring to the community center. I was thinking it would be like $50 or so per item for the rental. We are talking functional/loaded weapons, a cursed sarcophagus, blood-stained clown costumes, daggers, barbed wire and probably more stuff I forget that is in my basement.

Also, I have dozens of taxidermied mammals (Yes Melissa, I have primates) and living vermin (with or without disease). These soft and cozy furry friends clearly aren’t scary enough but I’d be willing to cut off parts and sew them back together to create scary mythological creatures like the Chimera (Lion body, Goat head, Snake tail, Eagle wings, Horse legs).

I figure my time is worth well over $500/hour but since this job sounds fun, we can do $250/hour.

Let’s work out payment afterward but my guess is that I won’t bill too many hours since I am quite adept at this sort of thing. My neighbors won’t let their kids anywhere near my house! haha scaredycats

Can you just do me a favor and let Murray know the arrangement since I can’t use the phone?

Ned

Hi Ned,

I don’t think you understood that this is a volunteer initiative. Also, all those weapons and stuff are horribly unsafe. This is a haunted house for kids. Frankly it might be best if you didn’t come.

-Melissa

Hi Melissa,

Sorry for the confusion. I am really confused by that word ‘volunteer’. I used my dictionary to stuff a marmoset recently so I couldn’t look it up. Why did you bold it? What’s the deal?

Also, it probably isn’t too hard to scare kids. No offense, but I might be overqualified for this job.

Ned

P.S. Is this a BYOWE (’bring your own welding equipment’) thing or will you be supplying?

Ned,

I’m pretty sure you know what volunteer means. You appear to be educated. Please stop wasting my time.

-Melissa

Melissa,

I called mom during Wheel last night and she told me what volunteer means. You seriously expect people to come work for you for free? And you want ME to stop wasting YOUR time???

If you want a real haunted house let me know. I’ll give those kids nightmares.

Ned

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!