Barely used. Comes with box and instructions. $60 (willing to negotiate)

[picture included]

Negotiation Strategy:

My quest to become a superhero started when I was five and my mom bought be a superman suit. I jumped off my roof and then we won a big settlement in a lawsuit against the costume maker. Once I was 18 and got the money, I invested it in a real superman costume but it didn’t work either! I tried to sue the store that sold it to me but I lost that time and my superhero fortune was lost.

Now my quest has been revived. I…AM…IRON MAN…

Hi there,

I am a man looking for an iron.

Is it military grade?

Ned Wingfield

Not sure what you mean about military grade, but I have the iron in the posting if you want it.

Yours,

Pat

Hi Pat,

Would you consider a humanitarian discount?

Thanks,

Ned

What do you mean by that?

Yours,

Pat

Pat,

Well for example a few years ago when global warming was a fad I decided to help fight it. Although they don’t release the Nobel Prize nominee list, I heard from my Norwegian online bridge partner Sigurd that I was on the short list but lost narrowly to Al Gore.

My contribution to the world was that I purchased 26 refrigerators and connected them all to my neighbor’s power supply while she was on vacation and then ran them in my backyard with the doors open. I estimate I saved at least 6 polar bears. Though I also taxidermied 2 polar bears that year so maybe we should only count 4 of them as saved. Either way, it was a big deal.

My next humanitarian venture is to become a super hero so I can help facilitate world peace. I recently tried to gain super powers but mostly ended up with some serious radiation poisoning (acute radiation syndrome). The doctors say that I should regain my hair in a few years, though I might never have fingernails again.  :(

Anyway, I guess I have to be a superhero without superpowers. Fortunately, this “Iron Man” guy apparently has no super powers so I’m going to base my plan off of him. Now, I haven’t seen the movie yet but from what I understand this guy Tony Stark is a genius engineer and an industrialist playboy. So far I have most of that covered. All I need now is a military grade iron with which to defeat the enemies of peace.

That’s where you come in Pat. Your iron is the final piece of the puzzle. I can’t pay you much but when I win the Nobel I promise to mention your contribution in my acceptance speech. Obviously I won’t actually thank you, but when I say “Thank you world. I have no one thank but myself” you will know that I am secretly thanking you.

Hope that sounds like a fair deal to you too!

Ned

Hey Ned,

I think you have some research to do. You sound very confused about a lot of stuff. Maybe you should check out the movie first.

Sincerely,

Pat

Hi Pat,

I don’t need to see the movie. I was confused at first when I thought the movie was about one of those guys who competes in the Iron Man triathlon, but my friend Mark told that it wasn’t about that at all but rather was about a superhero named Iron Man. Anyway, I imagine it involves a lot of stain removal and wrinkle elimination.

I’ve been practicing my moves. I’ve been doing free ironing at a local laundromat and not only have I perfected the ’steam press’, I also made $6.75 in tips!

Once I have my own iron I will learn more advanced moves like ‘moisten’, ‘cord choke’, ‘gradual increase in temperature’ and ’steam burst’ (the advanced version of ’steam press’).

Obviously I can also give mild skin burns if anybody really causes trouble. And, if my enemy is in a bath tub, then I can plug in the iron, throw it in the bathtub and electrocute them. Watch out!

If you’re playing hardball because you hope I’m going to ask you to be my sidekick, then well done, sir. I accept. I’m not sure if Iron Man has a sidekick but feel free to start brainstorming names (Bleach Boy? Tumble-Dry-Low Dude?). Look forward to hearing from you.

Ned

Well Ned I would say you have yourself quite the plan there. I’ll decline being your sidekick but only because you sound like you don’t need my help. As much as I think giving you my iron for free will help save the world, I’m afraid I am going to keep looking for someone to offer me cash.

Yours,

Pat

Pat,

Of course I don’t need your help. I was just saying if you wanted to be my sidekick as a throw-in that I would be ok with that. Whatever Pat, I don’t need you or your iron.

Ned

Pat,

Maybe I was a bit brash. I guess I kind of need your iron. Is it still available?

Ned

Ned,

It is, but if you are still playing games then please don’t bother with me. The price is $60 and that’s final.

Pat

Pat,

To help get the message across, I’ve decided to use a medium more common to super heroes: the comic. This is hand drawn and it details my plan to take down my first arch-nemesis, my neighbor. Let me know if this changes your mind.

Ned

[attached: comic]

right….

Selling a bunch of microwaves (14 in stock), lemme know if you want any…i’m open to negotiation. $20 per microwave.

Negotiation Strategy:
The Hulk, Fantastic Four, Captain America and Marie Curie. What do they have in common? They exposed themselves to radiation and became national icons. However, they never took the leap to become celebrity bloggers like me. So, in that sense, I’m already miles ahead of them.

However, I admit that my superpowers need some development. Although I can hold my breath underwater in my bathtub, I have decided it’s time to take things to the next level. So, I’m going to tweak some microwaves using some instructions I found on this Polish engineering discussion forum I frequent. (@Dobry3666, thanks man!)

Hopefully they will leak radiation and then my powers will flourish. My mom always sensed I was special…now I’m going to prove it!

So, my first mission as the “Winged Crusader” was to find myself some microwaves!

Hello,

I will use all of the microwaves. Thanks.

Ned Wingfield

Wow great. Do you want to come pick them up? Where are you located?

20×14=$280. k?

Russ

Russell,

That seems a bit high to rent them for one evening. What kind of microwave rental establishment are you operating?

Ned

Well I’m not trying to rent them. Why do you need 14 microwaves for one day only? I don’t know if you can even rent this many microwaves so I would just suggest buying them. I’ll let them go for $250 total.

Russ

Russell,

$250 is a bit high but if I’m going to pay you actual currency then I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask one more thing.

How does that sound?

Ned

Yea?

Hi Russell,

Ok glad you are on board. So I’ll come by some time next week and we can get down to business. Glad you agreed to my request. I wasn’t sure if you would so that’s just peachy!

What’s your address?

Ned

No I wasn’t saying I agree to anything. I’m not just going to agree to conditions I don’t know about and I’m not going to give out my address unless we have a deal.

Russ

Russell,

Geez don’t be such a whiner. It’s not like I’m asking you to use the microwaves to cook for me.

All I want you to do is help me open the metal frames on the microwaves, and then turn them on to expose me to radiation. If you aren’t interested in getting powers like me then you can use an extension cord to do it from a different room.

Ned

No way am I helping you expose yourself to 14 microwaves. Kill yourself on your own but I’m not getting involved even if you are paying me $250.

Russell,

I clearly stated I am NOT paying you $250. If you want to be my sidekick you are seriously going to have to work on your reading comprehension skills.

Greed will not help you either. I’ll go as high as $100 but no more.

Ned

Hey A**hole,

Maybe you should work on YOUR reading skills because I already said I’m not interested in being your sidekick.

Get a life.

Russ

Russell,

Obviously you underestimate the value of super powers, no offense.

I recently finished watching a Bollywood version of Spider-Man starring Shahrukh Kahn. It was $15 cheaper than the Hollywood one LOL what a deal. From what I understood (the movie had German subtitles) being a super hero involves a lot of dancing to Indian music and unlimited curry. It sounds fun and delicious and I can’t wait to get started.

Are you sure you still don’t want to get super powers with me? Trust me, I know what I’m doing.

Ned

The last thing I would ever do is trsut some random retard on the internet claiming he can get super powers using a microwave. You probably just escaped from a mental hospital or something.

Do us both a favor and get lost.

Russ

Russell,

I was voluntarily discharged and that was 17 years ago and I’ve been assured that apeirophobia is a perfectly normal disorder.

Anyway, I guess I’ll just find someone else to be my loyal sidekick, “Captain Microwave.”

Ned … aka the Winged Crusader

Perfect. Go with that plan.

Bye

Captain Microwave,

FYI, I purchased a few microwaves off ********* from a guy who didn’t give me such a hassle…

Then, last night I spent all night bathing in diluted sulfuric acid AND I released tons of radiation from some powerful microwaves. My basement is a mess! There are animal guts everywhere, though I guess that’s unrelated to last night.

Anyway, I had to stop because the power went out…damn neighbors…but I have to say I feel different today.

I already feel more powerful as my frail fingernails are falling off (soon to be replaced with Wolverine claws I’m sure), my useless hair is falling out, my pathetic scabs are falling off, I have a few growths in my arm (extra muscle mass) and, best of all, everything I see is red so I guess the infrared vision is kicking in.

I just thought I should let you know about the opportunity you missed out on. It’s not too late to join the alliance!

The Winged Crusader

****  *** Noise Cancelling Headphones – $145

brand new! still in box!  got it for a christmas gift but don’t want it since i already have a solid set.  these are top of the line with concert-like quality.

Negotiation Strategy:

If a seller has to please only one person, it’s pretty easy. But what about 3 people? Alas, it is in every buyers interest to create a buying team with at least 3 members to grill the seller into better terms. The key lesson here is to always inform your buying team that they are on on it in the first place!

Hi there,

Can I buy this?

Ned Wingfield

Yah. Are you ok with 145?

-Jack

Hi Jack,

I have CC’d my mom and best friend since this is a big purchase and I want their advice. They are my buying team and you will have to satisfy ALL of our concerns to make the sale.

Are you sure about your offer for $145? I’d be willing to give you $120 in cash if we close today.

Ned

Mark, have you seen my ointment?

Mrs. Beatrice O. Wingfield

huh?

Yep, check under the bathroom counter
- mark

No, it’s not there, any other ideas?

Mrs. Beatrice O. Wingfield

Yep, check the bedroom cabinets. it should be beside the pillow cases, maybe on top of that cozy blanket that ned and i used to build that wicked fort last week.

- mark

Mark, it’s not there either. I checked every shelf. It’s like it disappeared! Any other ideas?

By the way, I think I’m going to kick back and make some quesadillas this weekend to celebrate the new year if you wanna come by. I told Neddy Bear to ask you but you know how he is probably busy on his blog and being a celebrity and all.

Mrs. Beatrice O. Wingfield

no, just keep looking, and yeah forshure I love your homemade quesidillers mrs W – mark

Why am I CC’ED on these emails. Ned, can you please email me seperately to discuss the headphones.

-Jack

Nice try Jack, but I’m not going to get rid of my trusted advisors.  You’ve met your match in Ned Wingfield.  My offer has dropped to $80 for the headphones.

Ned

PS – Mom, if you ever call me Neddy Bear again I am cutting off your dialysis privileges for a month. Please refer to me by my professional name: “DJ KiLLA Ned.”

I’m not calling you that Ned! Are you sniffing my ointment again? I can’t seem to find it anywhere!

Mrs. Beatrice O. Wingfield

No mom…Gosh, you’re really embarrassing me here.  I’m trying to negotiate. I don’t have your stinky ointment. Geez.

Ned

JESUS!! my inbox is like at 11, wtf, stop emailing me people i dont give a sh*t about anyone’s ointment

-Jack

Jack,

Jesus who???

Jack, my name is not Jesus.  In fact, none of us are even latino.

I think there must be a misunderstanding with who is supposed to be on this e-mail chain. If you look at the signatures below each of our e-mails, you can actually see who it’s from. You are obviously a new emailer, no offense, lol.

Maybe you’re looking for a different e-mail chain?

Ned

I’m not looking for anything anymore. You all insane and I will just find someone else to buy my headphone who doesn’t make me read 20 emails about his moms ointmnet because they dont understand anything about email etiquete.

-Jack

Jack,

You are the one who doesn’t understand how e-mail works.  No offense, but I made it pretty clear that my mom and best friend would help advise me on this purchase.

I’m a nice guy though, so I’d be willing to help you out.  I know a ton of other emails.  Maybe it’s the one you are looking for?

rickyt9_thelivebaitguy@yahoo.com, sweetredhed84@live.com, eaglepaw@hotmail.com

By the way Jack, you hit ‘reply,’ not ‘reply to all’ so my mom and BFF didn’t get your last message.  You are definitely what is called a noob when it comes to e-mailing but I don’t judge so I’ll let it slide. I’ve CC’d them to fix your screw up.

Ned

Ned, why wasn’t I CC’d on Jack’s email? So rude of him!

Also, that was very sweet of you to point him in the right direction.

Mrs. Beatrice O. Wingfield

I’m not lookign for a ****ing email. You email’d me! All of you have seriuos issues.

-Jack

Jack,

I opted to hit ‘reply’ instead of ‘reply to all’ for this e-mail. Check my prior e-mail for a description in case you forget since your a noob. The reason I chose to do this is because I want to privately tell you that I resent your comment about my mom’s skin rash issue. It’s really not appropriate to talk about her serious issue in a public forum.

She’s really upset and would appreciate an apology e-mail. Please address it to Beatrice Wingfield.

Thank you and I hope you do the right thing,

Ned

PS – Don’t forget to CC me and Mark!

Nevermind Mark!  I found the ointment! Good start to the new year!

Mrs. Beatrice O. Wingfield

Sounds good beat, where wuz it at? – mark

Under the bathroom counter all along!

Mrs. Beatrice O. Wingfield

I am so releaved you found it! NOW PLEASE NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN!!

Art needed for cafe

I’m the day manager for ***** cafe in *** ******. if you’d like your artistic talents displayed, be sure to get in contact with us. we offer a highly decorated environment with lots of customers. If you want to display artwork for free for 30 days and sell them it comission free, please come in with your portfolio. We are in *** ****** at ***** st & ******** dr. Call if you need more directions. Thanks.

Negotiation Strategy:
Art is one of the hardest products to put a value on. I saw this ad and thought that maybe I could manipulate the seller into appreciating the value of my art. After some research, I learned that art valuation depends on three things: quality, quantity, and whether or not the guy who made it is still alive…

Hi there,

Although I need no introduction, my name is Ned Wingfield. I am an accomplished artist and celebrity blogger. I am exploring neo-expressionism and want to capture the zeitgeist by bringing my art to the masses via the “cafe.”

My current project is all about animals and showing the plight of some of the most endangered species on the planet. Is your cafe into animal plight too?

Ned Wingfield

for sure, you can stop by with a portfolio. come by and ask for me.

Madlyn

Hi Madlyn,

Unfortunately it’s a bit hard for me to bring my ‘portfolio’ in just like that.

What sort of security will the cafe have? I want to make sure my art is safe. It’s highly valuable.

Ned

we have an alarm system and of course we lock up every night. your art should be covered by our insurance. how much does it typically sell for?

could you send some pictures of your art instead of bringing in a portfolio?

Madlyn

Madlyn,

My art is basically priceless so nobody has bought any of it yet. I don’t know exactly how much it’s worth but at least millions.

I’m pretty insulted that you won’t just agree to showcase my art. I’m doing you a big favor by even e-mailing you, no offense.

If it helps convince you, I can describe myself and my art a bit more. I’ve been ‘arting’ for several years. I’m mostly self-taught. The only formal training I have is my painting training under an artist named Rembrandt (maybe you’ve heard of him?).

My focus is on getting attention on the plight of various species. I try to depict the abuse and murder of endangered and extinct species in hopes of generating public support for stricter hunting laws.

The exhibit is tentatively titled “Art Attack” and it contains 14 pieces (each one is of a different species). It’s one of a kind. Do you want it?

Ned

You studied under rembrant? Unless you have a time machine, I dont think you did. I’m afraid I will have to see your art before we agree to display it. Please give me a call if you are serious about having it at ******.

Madlyn,

Actually Madlyn, funny you asked because my time machine is non-functional right now. The flux capacitor and transmission neutron propulsion rods shut down during last week’s blackout. I am working to get the main unit back online. Will keep you posted!

Also, I assure you that I did in fact study under Rembrandt. Phil taught me everything I know about painting. If you don’t believe me then look up “Phil Rembrandt Art Classes” in the yellow pages.

Anyway, since you are obviously skeptical about my abilities (no offense) I’m willing to sweeten the deal. I will make a piece just for the cafe. Choose any animal indigenous to North America and let me know how you want it mutilated (i.e. deboned, deskinned, lots of holes poked, etc.).

I’m going hunting this weekend so please let me know ASAP.

Ned

Are you saying you use actual animals in your art?! How does that promote saving them?

We definitely do not want mutilated animals in the cafe – are you s****ing me??

Madlyn

Madlyn,

Who ever said anything about saving animals? If hunting regulations get tighter and endangered animals get more protected, it makes it harder for hunters to kill them. This increases the number of endangered animals in the wild and makes it easier for me to go hunt them and use them in my art.

It’s basically like the circle of life, but even better because of all the death and blood.

Anyway, I’m really not satisfied with your cafe’s security. I came in today and easily stole napkins, stir-sticks and the equivalent of a full cup of coffee from people’s leftovers (pretty delish btw!). I am willing to come install booby traps if you’re interested in upgrading security.

Do you have any spare bear traps? Mine are in the wash!

Ned

I already said we are NOT interested in this at all. It sounds repulsive in fact.

On a personal note, I really hope you stop hunting endangered animals.

Madlyn

Madlyn,

Okay, I get it. Obviously you are just not an animal person like I am. I have other exhibits. They are much more affordable but because of the security flaws at your cafe I would ask that you buy them upfront.

The ‘N’ Exhibit – $6500, 10 pieces. This exhibit consists of 10 different N’s (the letter) constructed entirely of stir-sticks and napkins generously donated by a local business.

The Mark Sennis Exposition – $4000, 8 pieces. This exhibit contains portraits of Mark Sennis, my buddy and all around cool guy. He is nude in each picture. For an extra $3000 I can include a drawing of him hanging naked from the basketball rim at the gym where he teaches phys ed. This one costs a bit more because it’s a mural on my bedroom wall so I’ll have to remove part of the wall.

Let me know which you prefer!

As I’m sure you know, the value of art skyrockets when the artist dies. I live a very risky lifestyle and am going hunting this weekend for the elusive Chupacabra so please let me know ASAP since I may not make it back and would have to arrange shipment now.

Ned

Quit already. We don’t want any of your sick “art”

Madlyn

Madlyn,

Fair enough. Are you interested in my band, The Ned Wingfield Experience, performing at the cafe?

Ned

Madlyn,

I didn’t get your reply e-mail. It must have gone to my spam. We’ll come by some time next week and start performing for your guests. Let me know if you have any requests.

Ned

Ned,

Please stop writing me. We are not interested in you, your art or your band.

Good bye!

Madlyn

Madlyn,

I understand. How about a raincheck?

Ned

no

Do you mean “no” as in “no raincheck needed?”

I can come by tomorrow if you’d like?

Ned

NO

Madlyn,

I understand. How about a raincheck?

Ned

Tenor Saxophone – $270

In great shape and original lacquer! I haven’t really played it in over 7 years so I can’t justify keeping it any longer and I think someone else could probably enjoy it more.  Includes case, neck strap, and cleaning supplies. Pictures available by request.

Negotiation Strategy:
I bought myself a negotiation book for an early Xmas present. Apparently, the power of delay can be an amazing negotiation tactic. By making the seller wait, you can show them that they don’t have any other options.  Than you come back after the delay and they’ll sell it to you for a bargain.

To implement this tactic, I even forged an out of office reply!  I get these all the time so it was easy to make.  Feel free to use it for your own negotiations!

Hi there,

I am very interested in your Tenor Sax.  Me and my band, TNWE, are composing a new album called ‘Sax and the City’ and I need a backup sax for our eventual tour.

Ned Wingfield
Band Leader, The Ned Wingfield Experience

Hi, sounds good, you can pick it up anytime.  Is $270 ok?

Joon

::Out of Office AutoReply::
I am out of the office on a hunting vacation. I will be back on December 15, 2009.  I will not read or respond to e-mails during this period. No offense.

If you need to contact me urgently, please leave a voice mail message with my secretary at my office number below or call Mark.  Thank you,

Regards,

Ned

Hi Joon,

I’m back from my two week vacation.  Got your email.  Now that you’ve had to wait a little bit, how does $190 sound?

Ned

Sorry Ned, I sold the sax about a week ago.  Good luck though!

Joon

Joon!

I don’t understand, the book said that this would work…

Are you sure you can’t give me a discount?

Ned

I sold it already.  Thanks for your interest.

Whoa!  I’m not paying you any interest!

Ned