Bird watchers wanted!
Bird-watching group looking for enthusiasts to join us on weekly field trips to ******** Park.  Must own binoculars, and camoflauge clothing is preferred.  We meet at 5 AM so only the “early birds” are welcome!

Negotiation Strategy:
Tried to kill two birds with one stone. lol! Hoped to kill me some birds to stuff and get this crumhead and his fogies so serve as my personal recon team for various adventures (by threatening to kill his precious birds.)  After all, if he’s got nothing to watch, his bird watching group will be lousy! But things took a turn for the worse so it was time to play hardball.

Hi There!

I am an avid bird enthusiast.  Where in ******** park do you meet?

Ned Wingfield

Thanks for your interest! There are 5 of us who meet at the southeast parking lot each Sunday morning.  How many years have you been birding?  Hope you join us!

Harrison

Hi Mr. Harrison,

I have been watching and hunting birds for the past 5 years. I would love to join your group.  You could all be my spotters and also help attract the birds with whistles and bird calls!

Ned

I hope you know this is a public park.  You cannot hunt here.  I’m sick of your type.  you ought to be ashamed of yourself killing these lovely birds. There are children and protected wildlife in the area.  If I see you out there, I will report you.

Harrison

Mr. Harrison,

Let’s be real, no children are going to be at the park at 5am.  And after the birds are scared away by the sound of my 24 calibre, you won’t be there either (no offense).  So pretty much, I own this park unless you and your crew agree to be my recon team while bird hunting and also carry out intel-seeking missions for me and my buddy Mark for other stuff.  Nobody would ever suspect a group of oldies in camouflage watching them. If you do this for me, I wont disturb your peace on a couple sundays each month.

Ned

First of all, I am not going to let you extort us to be your personal reconnassance team. Second of all, my group is not a bunch of “oldies”. And thirdly, I would strongly caution you about hunting at the park. I won’t hesitate to report you. If you show up at all, we will just change the day we come and arrive even earlier. There is a saying that I find to be quite appropriate – the early bird gets the worm!

Mr. Harrison,

I have some bad news…for you. While you were out bird watching yesterday, I took a trip to    ****** Pet Store and made a few purchases. I am now the proud master of 6 birds (2 yellow canaries, a parakeet, 2 african greys, and a quaker parrot). Here is how this is going to work (and this is just “hypothetical” in case you send this to PETA or something):

There are 6 days until Sunday. One day, one bird. Every day I will put down one of the birds. Sorry Mr. Harrison, ‘put down’ is not nearly descriptive enough. I recently purchased a supply of dermestid beetles and hvave been starving them for just such an occasion. Each day, I will load a bird into a glass cylinder and fill it with dermestid beetles. The beetles (and other carnivorous insects I’ve collected) will devour the live flesh. If you are interested I can set up a webcam for you to watch the destruction of an innocent bird. Their future is in your hands but their blood will be on your hands.

Agree to my demands immediately. A yellow canary is up first. A picture is attached and as you can see I mean business.

Ned

attached: canaryhostage.jpg

Negotiation Strategy:
As part of my ongoing security system, I hope to construct a mirror setup that will confuse intruders and guests. These mirrors are essential to my strategy but unfortunately this guy wasn’t willing to deal. I think he was intimidated by the threat of my security system and didn’t want to aid my rise to power.

How many mirrors do you have for sale? I need a lot.

Thanks,

Ned Wingfield

20+

Excellent. I’m basically looking to improve my home security system to disorient intruders. Something along the lines of the mirror scheme from The Man With the Golden Gun featuring 2 of my DJ strobe lights. This way there will be 20 versions of me and intruders won’t know who to attack until it’s too late.

Do you happen to know the refractive index of the mirrors?

Thanks,

Ned

Ref#@$??? Just call me and you can come over and take a look at them. ***-***-****.

I don’t really do well with meeting people (hence my impenetrable security system that I’m constantly improving). So I’d prefer not to come over if that’s ok.

How do I know that in the picture you weren’t using mirrors to make it look like you have 2 or 3 times as many mirrors than you actually have?

Ned

Ok buddy, good luck finding your mirrors.

I will find them. And then good luck finding the real me if you ever come over.

Ned

Single, clean, straight guy in need of a place to live just outside ******** for a few months. I’m quiet and won’t disturb you. Looking to spend $300 or less.

E-mail or call ***-***-****.

Negotiation Strategy:
This guy sounds like a sucker. My plan is to entice him with the luxuries of my bungalow and get him to work for me. In other words, I’m getting someone to pay to work for me.  Pretty clever huh!

I have just the place for you. It’s a spacious attic bedroom that is fully furnished. Got a new kitchen and lots of decorations. What is your race/ethnicity?

Ned Wingfield

Hi Ned,
Does my race really matter? I’m “white”…
Greg

Greg,
Perfect. Just checking. My neighbors are Korean and Hungarian and I just wouldn’t want anyone around to side with them.
You aren’t Hungry right? Please advise.
Ned

No. Can you tell me a bit about yourself and your place. How old are you? What do you do? How many rooms your place has? Etc.
Greg

Greg,

Great. You are welcome to live with me. Rent will be $500. Since you are on a budget I am willing to drop it to $400 if you do some “routine” chores around the house. Do you have any experience with brick laying or tarring? Familiarity with deboning primates would also be a plus. Otherwise you’ll have to learn that the hard way.

About me and my place:

I am 25 (at heart). I am a professional saxophonist and an amateur DJ.

I am self-employed as a taxidermist. Don’t worry if that’s not your thing, all the carcasses are in my shed. Only the stuffed animals are in the house. Our room, in the attic, has a Dalmatian in it named Shelly. You’ll probably really like her. If you have any favorite animals I’d be happy to move some around to accommodate you.

The only one you can’t have is Kelly the Koala, she stays tucked in with me. My latest business venture is teddy bears that are real bears that are stuffed. Bears get pretty big so we only are going to use babies. I’m having some trouble with the government right now but once we clear that hurdle I think it will be the next big Christmas hit. Like tamagotchis. I have 12 of those by the way. You might have to babysit them for me occasionally when I go out.

Community service is really important to me. I volunteer as a hair sweeper at the barber shop. I’ve been trying to get more involved with other efforts like animal euthenasia, etc. I’m not certified yet so we’ll see. As my roommate you will obviously be expected to come volunteer with me.

My place is great. LoL! The office is quite spacious really since it is technically the master bedroom. I use the attic room that has a bunk bed. You can have the bottom bunk. There is a fully functional kitchen. I have an authentic wood burning oven. I mostly use it to incinerate animal remains, but it cooks a mean pizza too if that’s your thing.

Let me know if you have any other questions. Looking forward to meeting you!

Your roomie,

Ned

Greg,

I don’t know if you got my last e-mail. It was about me and my place. Did you get it?

Ned

I got it i’m just no longer interested.

Greg,

I see. I consider myself to be a master negotiator so you should be quite proud that I am willing to concede Kelly to you…

And I completely forgot the best part about living with me. I have a massive weapons cache. While you are with me, you can choose a few weapons for protection. I’ll even train you to use my beloved compound bow. You could not live in a safer place. I sleep with flash grenades under the bunkbed so nobody will mess with us.

You really couldn’t find a safer place to live.

Your roomie!!

Ned

Yeah but see the thing is its precisely the fact that you claim to have a stuffed koalla and a ‘weapons cache’ that makes me not want to live with you.

Greg,

Ok well let me know if you ever want to come by just for fun. We could hang out and you could meet my parents. Let me know when you’re free!

Going for pre bed snack now.

Ttyl roomie,

Ned

5 yrs old but still works fine. $50 OBO.

Negotiation Strategy:
Research has shown that mispelling someone’s name is a sign of disrespect. By showing “Steve” that I don’t care enough to notice his name, I’m also proving to him how uninterested I am in the deal, thereby putting me at a better bargaining position.

Heya,

Is this some kind of scam? Isn’t that like selling a legless runner or something. What’s the point of having light if it’s black?

Ned Wingfield

This is a black light. It emits UV light so in the dark you can see certain things. google “special Olympics” because many disabled people participate, even some without legs.

~ Steve

Steven,

That’s pretty weird. They must be really slow so that seems pretty dumb. Do they crawl? I guess that might be funny to watch.

So about this light…I think I’ve seen them in action before. The police were over one time and had one in my shed. It was just a routine check, not a big deal (a girl went missing in the neighborhood but obviously it wasn’t me). But I remember that it lit up a lot of the shed because there is so much blood spilled in there (animal only, honestly lol!).

Confirm that this is the type of light you are selling. If it identifies blood then actually, I’m pretty interested.

Ned

Yes this is the light that picks up blood, sperm & iron oxide but i believe you need to spray some chemicals first ~ steve

Stephen,

Pretty worried that this investment would shatter during shipping. You think you could package it up nicely and show me the box?

Ned

yep, shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll wrap it up in some bubblepaper and then put it in a cardboard box.

~ Steve

Stevey,

No way, that’s not going to do. Please use 3 rolls of paper towel, 4 layers of bubble wrap, and then put the bulb in a vacuum sealed box with shower gel. Obviously before shipping, we would need to test it to make sure you packaged it properly…no offense. So toss it off your rooftop and see if any damage is done. If not, repackage it and send it to me. I’ll send you my address after receiving photo evidence of this testing.

Ned

ned, you cant be serious, that just won’t work. And do you honestly think I’m going to test a $50 light in that kind of packaging?

Stefanie,

Yes I think that’s a pretty reasonable request. I would do it for you…

What do you say Stefan?

Ned

I speak Korean fluently have taught Korean to Americans for 4 years. I can work with beginners or those looking to practise the language. No prior knowledge needed.  All you need is to be interested in learning!

Please contact me at ******@*****.com.

looking forward to hearing from you!

Negotiation Strategy:
I could really use this guy’s skills. He is obviously Korean so I will offer him things that Asians like to sweeten the deal.

Hello,

I would love to learn some Korean. (That’s what she said, lol.) No, I’m just kidding.

My neighbor is Korean and we aren’t on good terms. So I would do one lesson just to learn some swear words. I hate my neighbor and I figure writing Korean swear words on her door and cats would be funny. Plus she deserves it. She would never know its me too since she thinks I only speak English and Latin (which is true).

The only problem is that I’m a bit short on cash so I’d be open to bartering. I could give you 10 Yu-Gi-Oh cards of your choice (I have holographics). If you’re not into that stuff I could trade you various electronics I have collected. If you’re not into electronics, I have some great ninja costumes in my basement. Also, I have a few Wutang Clan tapes and some plastic nunchucks. My real weapon arsenal is off limits though. Sorry.

Anyway I think it’s a fair deal for whatever you choose. Feel free to drop by whenever you want, I can make us some Pad Thai if you call ahead of time!

Ned Wingfield

Ned,

I do not teach such profanity. Its against my core beliefs. If you are only interested in curse words my services will not be offered.

Thank you,

Dak-Ho Nae

Dak-Ho Nae,

It’s not a big deal Dak-Ho Nae. My neighbor always writes “inappropriate” things on my door. Just last week she left a note saying that if I ever fire my compound bow into her fence again she will call the police. Except I shot it at my side of the fence so it’s my property. This lady is like fresh off the boat I don’t think she gets American culture like me. This is justice, thats it.

Listen if you don’t want to help me out just send me some word documents full of bad words and we can call it even. Or if you want to bring it over to my place, let me know ahead of time so that I can cook up some famous Wingfield Noodles!

Ned

Ned,

Sorry but I will not be teaching you any curses.

Dak-Ho Nae

Dak-Ho Nae,

We got off on the wrong foot here. Just ignore my previous e-mails. I was joking. Actually, I need some Korean help for another unrelated matter. So, some local Korean vandals wrote a bunch of graffiti on my shed and I want to know if it is swear words so I can tell their parents. Can you please send me a list of common swear words so I can compare it to what they wrote? Or, if you’d like to bring it over on foot, call me beforehand, and I’ll prepare some sushi for us to enjoy!

Ned

I know this’s to harass your neighbor. Sorry and goodbye.

Dak-Ho Nae,

You are clever. You must be an amazing tutor. LOL.

So I found Korean swear words on the internet but I don’t think I can write them in actual Korean letters. I will pay you as many yu gi oh cards as you want if you come over and help write on my neighbor’s door and cats. You can have the ninja costume too.

Ned

please stop writing me!

Dak-Ho Nae,

Obviously you would side with my Korean neighbor. No offense. All the other neighbors do too and they aren’t even Korean! They are trying to pass some by-law in my neighborhood about not being allowed to keep so many dermistid beetles. It’s obviously targeted at me. But I need them for my taxidermy hobby (the beetles clean the flesh off of skulls/bones). So I’m taking the battle to the next level…stay tuned (I put you on my mailing list).

Let me know if you want to come by and try out my compound bow or any other weapons. Seriously, anytime. Also, if you have any yu gi oh cards to trade or if you ever get any call me at ***-***-****. Actually just call anytime. I’d love to hear from you! I really want to make some Korean friends instead of enemies.

By the way, you’re a guy, right? Send me a pic if that’s cool.

Ned

Dak-Ho Nae,

Haven’t heard from you in a week. Hope you are alright and the tutoring is going well.

Just an update on the neighbor situation. I found Korean spelling on the internet! I trapped one of my neighbor’s cats through a hole in my fence (well my neighbor’s fence but my side as I explained to you). It’s a tawny color cat so the black marker showed up pretty well. I had to sedate it because it kept scratching me and I might have used a bit too much acepromazine so I just planted her outside my neighbor’s back door.

You should have seen her face Dak-Ho Nae! I recorded it all actually so when you come by you can definitely check it out. Dak-Ho Nae, I wrote ‘Nigimi ship e dah’ on the cat but in actual Korean letters. I know you are really proud. I’m a quick learner (the student has become the teacher, LOL).

Anyway she somehow assumed it was me and I was like: “You’re crazy, I can’t write in Korean”. But I guess they heard about how I did this to my neighbors from Hungary on the other side with Hungry writing to their dog, so they knew it was me this time too. They can’t prove anything though so whatever. I just hope they don’t call the cops again. But don’t worry, if they do I won’t turn you in. I’m taking our secret to the grave Dak-Ho Nae!

Anyway this will all probably make the mailing list this month (it’s been slow) so hope you don’t mind reading it twice. I just couldn’t wait to tell you.

Ned

PS – Dak-Ho Nae, still waiting on that pic. We can trade if that’s what you’re waiting for.