Bird Watching Group (7)

Original Internet Ad:

Bird watchers wanted!
Bird-watching group looking for enthusiasts to join us on weekly field trips to ******** Park.  Must own binoculars, and camoflauge clothing is preferred.  We meet at 5 AM so only the “early birds” are welcome!

Negotiation Strategy:
Tried to kill two birds with one stone. lol! Hoped to kill me some birds to stuff and get this crumhead and his fogies so serve as my personal recon team for various adventures (by threatening to kill his precious birds.)  After all, if he’s got nothing to watch, his bird watching group will be lousy! But things took a turn for the worse so it was time to play hardball.

Hi There!

I am an avid bird enthusiast.  Where in ******** park do you meet?

Ned Wingfield

Thanks for your interest! There are 5 of us who meet at the southeast parking lot each Sunday morning.  How many years have you been birding?  Hope you join us!

Harrison

Hi Mr. Harrison,

I have been watching and hunting birds for the past 5 years. I would love to join your group.  You could all be my spotters and also help attract the birds with whistles and bird calls!

Ned

I hope you know this is a public park.  You cannot hunt here.  I’m sick of your type.  you ought to be ashamed of yourself killing these lovely birds. There are children and protected wildlife in the area.  If I see you out there, I will report you.

Harrison

Mr. Harrison,

Let’s be real, no children are going to be at the park at 5am.  And after the birds are scared away by the sound of my 24 calibre, you won’t be there either (no offense).  So pretty much, I own this park unless you and your crew agree to be my recon team while bird hunting and also carry out intel-seeking missions for me and my buddy Mark for other stuff.  Nobody would ever suspect a group of oldies in camouflage watching them. If you do this for me, I wont disturb your peace on a couple sundays each month.

Ned

First of all, I am not going to let you extort us to be your personal reconnassance team. Second of all, my group is not a bunch of “oldies”. And thirdly, I would strongly caution you about hunting at the park. I won’t hesitate to report you. If you show up at all, we will just change the day we come and arrive even earlier. There is a saying that I find to be quite appropriate – the early bird gets the worm!

Mr. Harrison,

I have some bad news…for you. While you were out bird watching yesterday, I took a trip to    ****** Pet Store and made a few purchases. I am now the proud master of 6 birds (2 yellow canaries, a parakeet, 2 african greys, and a quaker parrot). Here is how this is going to work (and this is just “hypothetical” in case you send this to PETA or something):

There are 6 days until Sunday. One day, one bird. Every day I will put down one of the birds. Sorry Mr. Harrison, ‘put down’ is not nearly descriptive enough. I recently purchased a supply of dermestid beetles and hvave been starving them for just such an occasion. Each day, I will load a bird into a glass cylinder and fill it with dermestid beetles. The beetles (and other carnivorous insects I’ve collected) will devour the live flesh. If you are interested I can set up a webcam for you to watch the destruction of an innocent bird. Their future is in your hands but their blood will be on your hands.

Agree to my demands immediately. A yellow canary is up first. A picture is attached and as you can see I mean business.

Ned

attached: canaryhostage.jpg

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