Swimming Lessons (11)

Original Posting:
Swimming instructor wanted

I want my kids (8 yr old boy and 6 yr old girl) to learn to swim. I can’t afford much and don’t have a pool. I’m looking for someone in the ******* ********* area who has access to a pool and can teach them.

Thanks!

Negotiation Strategy:
Ok, some of you might think this is mean. But I don’t really have any other options unless I want to get my own hands dirty to get my car keys back. I’m not much of a swimmer and the space is pretty tight so I figure some little swimmers are just what I need…

Hi there,

You are making a great decision teaching your kids how to swim. I’d love to be a part of this vital life lesson. I have some water at my place and could definitely teach your kids here. My instructional program places an emphasis on diving. But along the way the kids will learn to tread water, hold their breath and probably swimming a bit too.

Let me know if this is suitable. Looking forward to making your kids more aquadynamic!

Ned Wingfield

Hey,

This isn’t what I imagined but we can talk about this. What sort of experience do you have?

Jolinda

Jolinda,

You’re certainly asking the right questions Jolinda. You sound like a great mom and so I just know you are going to make the right decision for your kids. My company is called Wingfield’s WaterWorld. I am the head instructor.

Ned

Hi Ned,

Tried searching for you and your program.  Couldn’t find anything, can you tell me about yourself and your company? How much do you charge?

Jolinda

Hi Jolinda,

My program is heavily goal based. In my front yard I have a 12 foot deep pool of water. I originally dug it out because I was trying to make a moat for my security system. The city made me stop before I could keep going though so it’s only about 5 by 10 feet. Anyway, it’s mostly filled with rainwater but I will dump in a lot of chlorine before your kids swim. Hopefully their skin isn’t sensitive, but it’s better than getting a parasite.

I have dropped my car keys into the pool as the target for retrieval. I think that this displays the immense confidence I have in your kids and in myself as their teacher (this is my only set of keys!). By lesson 3 my hope is that they will be able to retrieve the keys from the bottom. If they fail, I will train them on rescue techniques by weighing one down with a brick so they make it to the bottom. Don’t worry, they can use my S.C.U.B.A. gear ($30 rental fee per hour). Then the other child will have to dive down and cut the brick off the rope. Sometimes these life and death situations are what we need to reach our true ability / get the keys.

If they complete this challenge I can start dropping down other items for them to retrieve. I’m planning on using the pool as a dump for my unused animal carcasses so your kids can keep any bones they find while they’re down there. I promise to use all sorts of interesting species so the kids will enjoy finding new surprises for their burgeoning animal remains collection. Eventually the pool will just be full of animal carcasses and then I’m going to put a layer of dirt over it. I figure this will take at least a few months though at the rate I’m going. So don’t worry, we can keep teaching them for a while!

I’ve got a great lifeguard, my pal Mark. Mark is a certified lifeguard and has been doing this at the community center for over 3 years. Because of some silly law, I am required to inform you that Mark made some mistakes a few years back and is listed as a sex offender.  However, a key value here at Wingfield’s WaterWorld is empathy and we believe in third chances. I’m sure this is just a technicality. However, I don’t allow parents to watch lessons as this can be a major distraction for kids. So you will just have to trust Mark and me.

I charge $50 per hour. That’s non-negotiable by the way.

Ned

Are you kidding me. No way I’m gonna let you put my kids in that hole. youre a creep!!

Right. Well I already dropped my keys down because I thought we had a deal. So you’re going to have to send at least one kid over or you can come do it yourself. Bring a brick and rope please.

Sorry, promises are promises.

Ned

I never promised anythingu. Go f*** yourself ***hole.

Jolinda,

Obviously you have anger management problems. I am going to do you a favor and invite you to my exclusive anger management program. You can come while your kids are swimming. We’ll either tie them to a peg or something (so they don’t drown) or Mark can watch them by himself.

While your kids are diving for keys and other goodies with Mark, you and I will get rid of your anger through cathartic activities.  First we’ll do my laundry and you’ll fold out that stress. Next, I’ll let you wash my dishes as you also cleanse your mind. Finally, we’ll work on your focus as you dust my lampshades and furniture while also channeling out your anxiety.

So, if my math is correct that’s $50 per kid plus $75 for you so that’s $175 an hour. If you can’t afford that I’m open to bartering. In particular, I’m looking for a new hunting knife. If you have anything over 10 inches long let me know.

Oh crazy timing, Mark just wrote me as I was writing this e-mail. I told him about your kids and he sounded very excited. Don’t worry, the sex offender stuff was for girls who were like 12-15 and your girl is way out of Mark’s range. No offense. Jolinda, you have NOTHING to worry about. Plus they never really proved anything since he just made a deal with the prosecutor.

Can’t wait to get started with you.

Ned

Why are you still writing me? you are f***ed up man.

Jolinda,

I’m going to take a hint here and go ahead and cancel your appointment. There’s a $25 cancellation fee though. Do you think you can try to get my keys out when you come by to drop off the cash?

Ned

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