I’m coaching the **** ***** little league baseball team next summer, ages 10-12. I need someone from the area to help out since no parents have offered. Let me know if you have experience and want to help. Number is ***-***-****.

Negotiation Strategy:
Mark and I each have our own reasons for wanting to coach this team. It didn’t quite work out…

My best friend Mark and I are very interested in coaching!

Ned Wingfield

Can you tell me about your baseball coaching experience/knowledge and why you guys want to volunteer?

Rob

Bob,

As far as coaching goes, I’ve coached and even played tons of games in Super Baseball 2020 on my sega genesis. Mark has played countless times too. We are ready to take it to the next level and want to start using real people.

We will bring a lot to the table. Mark is actually a high school gym teacher. Now he specializes in teaching girls so I don’t know if that will help the baseball team as much, but it’s still good that he is a gym teacher I think. I have not really played sports myself in some time, but I keep in shape by extreme hunting. I think that whacking a baby mountain lion with a club is probably pretty similar to hitting a home run (at least the adrenaline rush would be the same). I’ll be happy to teach the kids my skull-cracking technique. Also, I’ve been growing my own tobacco for years. I’m a non-smoker but my mom is a chain smoker so I like to grow it for her. I’d be happy to bring some to each game (for cost + 10%) since I know chewing tobacco is important for baseball players.

I’m not sure what your take is on steroids, but I happen to have a bunch of leftover raccoon growth hormones from a project I recently completed. If you think this could take our star pitcher to the next level then I’d be willing to sell some to the team. I figure that the league would never expect this since the kids are so young. It’s pretty sneaky but obviously winning comes first so I think it’s a good idea. I hear this is the ’steroid era’ after all.

Personally, if I was as desperate as you for some help, I wouldn’t be questioning anything about why it’s being offered. But since you asked, I need to fill my government mandated “volunteer” hours related to a hunting infraction.

I think this is a perfect match for my unique skill set.

Ned

P.S. – Did you know you can’t hunt in public parking lots…even if you corner a mountain lion there?

Thanks but we won’t need your help. im not gving our kids steroids and you sound crazy to be honest

Rob

Bob,

Sounds like you aren’t serious about winning so count me out. I don’t want to work with a coach who isn’t willing to do whatever it takes. No offense.

I’m going to start my own team with kids from the foster home. I’ll reward them with food and clues about where their parents are (fake obviously, lol!) so they will stay highly motivated and this will also count for my hours. See you in the playoffs! (if you make it)

Anyway, Mark is excited about starting with you. I told him to be in touch.

Ned

stop emailing me dickhead. I meant we don’t want either of you losers.

Coach Robbert,

great to have you on board. i heard something about being an assistant coach but i think since i’m a physical education teacher i should be the head coach. i appreciate you not causing a fuss by the way. now, im not sure what the situation is with tryouts but i think we should hold new ones. im assuming your kid is on the team and it wouldnt be fair if he only got on becuase you’re the coach. so lets have a tryout this sunday. i’ll bring some of my homemade gatorade (gatorade + scope).

also, ned mentioned that you didn’t want him as a coach. i understand that. i beat the guy like 70% of the time on sega so youre making the right call. however, i told him he could be the trainer. i hope you dont mind. i just figured since im the head coach its my call for stuff like this. also, ned has a lot of experiences with sutures and needles and stuff from his taxidermy practice. he says he has a lot of experience taking apart small primates too so i suppose he has basically operated on children. im sure parents will trust their kids’ safety with ned.

great. so let’s meet up this week and start designing some plays. i know a few tricks from 2020  but im not sure if your league has rocket packs like the game so you might have to take the lead on this one.

i took the liberty of doing a reverse look-up of your phone number. you actually live pretty close by so ill just drop by on the way home from work one day this week.

see ya soon playa,

Coach Mark Sennis

ps- is this a co-ed team? Ned may have mentioned that i specialize in young girls.

You are not coaching with me. DO NOT COME OVER!!

I want my kids (8 yr old boy and 6 yr old girl) to learn to swim. I can’t afford much and don’t have a pool. I’m looking for someone in the ******* ********* area who has access to a pool and can teach them.

Thanks!

Negotiation Strategy:
Ok, some of you might think this is mean. But I don’t really have any other options unless I want to get my own hands dirty to get my car keys back. I’m not much of a swimmer and the space is pretty tight so I figure some little swimmers are just what I need…

Hi there,

You are making a great decision teaching your kids how to swim. I’d love to be a part of this vital life lesson. I have some water at my place and could definitely teach your kids here. My instructional program places an emphasis on diving. But along the way the kids will learn to tread water, hold their breath and probably swimming a bit too.

Let me know if this is suitable. Looking forward to making your kids more aquadynamic!

Ned Wingfield

Hey,

This isn’t what I imagined but we can talk about this. What sort of experience do you have?

Jolinda

Jolinda,

You’re certainly asking the right questions Jolinda. You sound like a great mom and so I just know you are going to make the right decision for your kids. My company is called Wingfield’s WaterWorld. I am the head instructor.

Ned

Hi Ned,

Tried searching for you and your program.  Couldn’t find anything, can you tell me about yourself and your company? How much do you charge?

Jolinda

Hi Jolinda,

My program is heavily goal based. In my front yard I have a 12 foot deep pool of water. I originally dug it out because I was trying to make a moat for my security system. The city made me stop before I could keep going though so it’s only about 5 by 10 feet. Anyway, it’s mostly filled with rainwater but I will dump in a lot of chlorine before your kids swim. Hopefully their skin isn’t sensitive, but it’s better than getting a parasite.

I have dropped my car keys into the pool as the target for retrieval. I think that this displays the immense confidence I have in your kids and in myself as their teacher (this is my only set of keys!). By lesson 3 my hope is that they will be able to retrieve the keys from the bottom. If they fail, I will train them on rescue techniques by weighing one down with a brick so they make it to the bottom. Don’t worry, they can use my S.C.U.B.A. gear ($30 rental fee per hour). Then the other child will have to dive down and cut the brick off the rope. Sometimes these life and death situations are what we need to reach our true ability / get the keys.

If they complete this challenge I can start dropping down other items for them to retrieve. I’m planning on using the pool as a dump for my unused animal carcasses so your kids can keep any bones they find while they’re down there. I promise to use all sorts of interesting species so the kids will enjoy finding new surprises for their burgeoning animal remains collection. Eventually the pool will just be full of animal carcasses and then I’m going to put a layer of dirt over it. I figure this will take at least a few months though at the rate I’m going. So don’t worry, we can keep teaching them for a while!

I’ve got a great lifeguard, my pal Mark. Mark is a certified lifeguard and has been doing this at the community center for over 3 years. Because of some silly law, I am required to inform you that Mark made some mistakes a few years back and is listed as a sex offender.  However, a key value here at Wingfield’s WaterWorld is empathy and we believe in third chances. I’m sure this is just a technicality. However, I don’t allow parents to watch lessons as this can be a major distraction for kids. So you will just have to trust Mark and me.

I charge $50 per hour. That’s non-negotiable by the way.

Ned

Are you kidding me. No way I’m gonna let you put my kids in that hole. youre a creep!!

Right. Well I already dropped my keys down because I thought we had a deal. So you’re going to have to send at least one kid over or you can come do it yourself. Bring a brick and rope please.

Sorry, promises are promises.

Ned

I never promised anythingu. Go f*** yourself ***hole.

Jolinda,

Obviously you have anger management problems. I am going to do you a favor and invite you to my exclusive anger management program. You can come while your kids are swimming. We’ll either tie them to a peg or something (so they don’t drown) or Mark can watch them by himself.

While your kids are diving for keys and other goodies with Mark, you and I will get rid of your anger through cathartic activities.  First we’ll do my laundry and you’ll fold out that stress. Next, I’ll let you wash my dishes as you also cleanse your mind. Finally, we’ll work on your focus as you dust my lampshades and furniture while also channeling out your anxiety.

So, if my math is correct that’s $50 per kid plus $75 for you so that’s $175 an hour. If you can’t afford that I’m open to bartering. In particular, I’m looking for a new hunting knife. If you have anything over 10 inches long let me know.

Oh crazy timing, Mark just wrote me as I was writing this e-mail. I told him about your kids and he sounded very excited. Don’t worry, the sex offender stuff was for girls who were like 12-15 and your girl is way out of Mark’s range. No offense. Jolinda, you have NOTHING to worry about. Plus they never really proved anything since he just made a deal with the prosecutor.

Can’t wait to get started with you.

Ned

Why are you still writing me? you are f***ed up man.

Jolinda,

I’m going to take a hint here and go ahead and cancel your appointment. There’s a $25 cancellation fee though. Do you think you can try to get my keys out when you come by to drop off the cash?

Ned

My 40 pound poodle needs a friend. He gets bored sitting around the house all day and has ton of energy to use up. I figure we could take turns hosting the dogs on play dates and free up our own time.

Let me know if you are interested and live near *********.

Negotiation Strategy:
There wasn’t really any strategy here. I just went all out trying to convince this lady how great my dog Lloyd is. Guess she and her dog were just a big tease.

Hello,

I own a dog in need of companionship. My dog is high energy and will definitely keep things interesting for your dog. They will be friends and hopefully more than friends too.

I’m happy to host your dog at my place for a first date.

Let me know!

Ned Wingfield

Hi,

When are you free for them to meet? What kind of dog do you have?

Best,
Talia

Hi Talia,

I’m free right now. I mean the sooner the better. Lloyd, that’s my dog’s name, is very eager to meet a male companion dog and get down to business.

Lloyd is a 125 pound rottweiler but he is very gentle to humans and dogs. I adopted Lloyd from an Austrian couple that was going to put him down. I miss the days when he was only 25 pounds and drinking pureed cat meat out of his bowl. But I digress… The only problem is that I can hardly ever take him to parks anymore because of his behavior! But don’t worry Talia, he is very loving towards other dogs. In fact I would say too loving if you catch my drift.

I’ve set up a nice sofa with rose petals, pillows, and lots of milk chocolate.

Ned

Hi,

You can’t give your dog chocolate!!! How long have you been an owner? I’m sure I could teach you the ropes.

Anyway, my dog is named Rocky and is a male poodle – so this all won’t be an issue. Anyway, you should just get him neutered if it’s a real problem.

I’m free Saturday afternoon. How is that for you?

Best,
Talia

Hi Talia,

I looked into neutering but I can’t do that to Lloyd. Anyway, it’s not like he is getting anyone pregnant. I just feel bad that he isn’t getting the release he needs. I hope Rocky can help him out!

As a preview, can you send a pic of Rocky? I want to see if it gets Lloyd excited so we don’t waste each other’s time only to find they don’t have any chemistry.

I think there is a good chance since Lloyd definitely has a thing for poodles. I have a stuffed poodle and in anticipation of the big date I brought it out and Lloyd was all over it. It’s a good thing I sealed all the orifices or else things would have been pretty messy.

Ned

Do you mean that your dog wants to have sex with my dog? I didn’t think dogs can be gay.

Talia

Hi Talia,

I’m pretty sure they can be. I’m pretty much an expert on mammalian homosexuality. No offense. Also, I did an online quiz to “check how gay your dog is” and apparently Lloyd is 87% gay. I showed him the evidence and he told me it was true.

I figure he might as well just be himself so I’m encouraging him to go 100% gay. I’m really proud of his development, he’s even redesigned his dog house with Victorian satin curtains and a Carolingian style vaulted ceiling. I’ve been taking him to gay-friendly dog parks, letting him shop more often, and walking him around in gay areas of town solely to make Lloyd feel more accepted. Its a sacrifice that I know I’m obliged to make for him. It’s making me feel a lot better knowing he is with his effeminate kind.

I’ve cleaned up the house and put on more show-tunes and Clay Aiken at home. The only downside has been that I obviously can’t play fetch with Lloyd anymore since he’s lost his athleticism. I’ve even put him on a vegetarian diet even though I can’t figure out if it’s true that that makes you gay.

Ned

Haha Ned…I don’t think you can take online polls like that so seriously. I have never heard of a dog being gay. In any case, Rocky isn’t gay so I don’t think it will be a good match.

Sorry

Hi Talia,

Oh don’t worry. Lloyd isn’t going to mind. You are forgetting that despite his gayness, he is a massive and muscular beast with Broadway muscles. He is highly trained and can take down a small black bear. Fact: this happened. Disclaimer: I sort of already stabbed the bear with my dagger.

Anyway, as long as you bring Rocky over, I’m pretty sure Lloyd will be able to have his way with him. No offense.

Ned

Sorry Ned. I don’t really want Lloyd raping my dog. Just not what I’m looking for. Hope you understand!

Hi Talia,

Please don’t be so brash. Lloyd, despite what you may think, is quite a casanova. I was just saying IF Rocky resists then Lloyd would dominate him like Apollo Creed in the first half of the movie. However, I think it is highly unlikely Rocky will be able to resist Lloyd’s bulging muscles and slick hide. I know I couldn’t if I were a dog (is that weird? lol).

Bring Rocky over Saturday. I promise it’ll be a great time for all parties involved!

Ned

Sorry. Not going to happen.

Goodbye Ned

Hi Talia,

Lloyd could really use a companion…are you and Rocky sure?

Ned

Guess you are too busy to respond. I put him down. Thanks for the tip on the chocolate, worked like a charm.

If you think Rocky might want to see what he passed up, I have Lloyd on display in my front window. I can give you my address…maybe you’d like to have Rocky immortalized too?

Ned

You should have neutered him! That’s terrible!!!!

No, Talia! This is all on you. You, Rocky, and your homophobic prejudice.

Ned

Selling my usb keyboard for $10.

Negotiation Strategy:
I planned on using my newfound knowledge about grand pianos and keyboards to get this steal of a deal. Apparently I was less informed than I thought. Oh well…this was a good learning experience even though Rick was a big crumhead.

Note: you should read this posting first: Grand Piano

I am really interested in this item.  How loud does it get?

Ned Wingfield

Hi Ned,

It’s pretty quiet. Not any louder than other keyboards anyway.

Thanks
Rick

Hey Rick,

Ok well is it a grand keyboard? I recently had some dealings with a grand piano vendor and learned that grand pianos are the best available. Then I discovered keyboards so I want to make sure I get a grand keyboard.

Let me know.

Ned

This is not a Piano keyboard. It’s for your computer.
Thanks
Rick

Hey Rick,

Sorry for the confusion. There are so many piano variations these days it’s hard to keep track of them all. How exactly does the computer interface with the keyboard? Is it just so you can use the speakers? If that’s the case I think I want to stick with an old fashioned acoustic keyboard because my speakers are pretty crummy.

Ned

Look Ned. This is a computer keyboard. It’s what you used to type your e-mail. Obviously you don’t want one of these so just don’t bother responding.

Rick

Hey Rick,
Sorry for the confusion. No offense but you obviously don’t know much about keyboards. I’m typing on my screen with my mouse! That’s how you type. You double click the letter and then it appears on the screen. Lol how are you typing?

Ned

Ned,

Please leave me alone. Read this if you are somehow actually serious: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keyboard_(computing)

Rick

Hey Rick,

Wow LOL this is pretty embarrassing. I could definitely use that. This could save me hours of typing I think. I read that article and I really want a laser keyboard or an infrared keyboard. Is that what you’re selling?

Did you write that article because it was really informative. If you wrote it with your keyboard that would be pretty good proof of its functionality.

Ned

Holy shit ned, are you retarded. stop writing me man!

Rick

Rick,

Holy guacamole Rick! No I am not retarded. And I know for sure because when I was a kid my mom took me in and they tested me. I’m just a normal run of the mill fellow who was never taught keyboards in school. Sorry to inconvenience you Mr. Richard. Geez.

Ok so I’ll take your shitty basic keyboard. How much did you want for it?

Ned

no way im selling it to you now. get lost and try to find something better to do than emaling me.

Rick,

“Do or do not… there is no try” – Yoda

I have a superior sense of direction so chances are I won’t get lost. I will consider ceasing to write you but only because you are selling such a crap keyboard, no offense.

Ned

Please stop emailing me.

Rick

Hey Rick,

Will do,

Ned

Cheers,
Paige

Negotiation Strategy:
I recently transitioned to a gas burning BBQ and have an excess supply of BBQ lighting fluid in my garage. I need a way to get rid of it. After I got caught dumping most of the stuff into my neighbors hot tub, I still had 5 or 6 bottles left. I figured this would be a fun way to use it up and rekindle an old hobbie.

I am an accomplished prestidigitator (sleight-of-hand magician). I suppose I could teach you and your boyfriend some magic. I’ll charge $200 for your group and can teach 5 amazing tricks each hour.

Ned Wingfield

Hi Ned,

Thanks for your interest! At a max, we’d like to pay $50 an hour. Is that okay? And what kind of tricks will you be teaching us?

Talk soon,

Paige

Hello Paige,

Not sure what the problem is. $50 X 4 people = $200.

Listen Paige, I’m going to show you some amazing illusions to be performed at bars. Most of what I do is called “Stage Magic”, but don’t worry the total cost of these props is below $600. Here is a list of the first five illusions (not tricks) that I will teach:

1. “Chinese Swords on Fire Through A Woman” = In this illusion, I stick 4 sharp 17 inch blades dowsed in BBQ fluid and lit on fire through a woman’s head in a giant magical box. I’ll show you how to secretly use angles to your advantage and not make the mistake I made in March of 2004.

2. “Buried Alive With Fire” = The magician is set on fire and placed into a casket and lowered into a grave for 3 days before being exhumed only to be found that NO HARM WAS CAUSED. We’re going to learn how to conquer claustrophobia and suicidal thoughts.

3. “The Conjurers Eternal Bunny…On Fire” = The magician sets a bunny on fire and then puts it out 5 minutes later only to find out that the bunny is in the same condition it was always in. I’ll show you where to buy the cheapest bunnies and how to breed them to keep your supply up. Don’t worry Paige, it’s easy!

4. “Basketball of Fire Bullet Catch” = While standing on a basketball engulfed in flames, the magician allows a spectator to fire a bullet out of his rifle at the magicians head. After the smoke clears, I open my mouth revealing the bullet in-between my teeth. I’ll show you how to be in the 97%.

5. “The Devil’s Spike” = An industrial nail is placed by a spectator under one of four upside-down plastic cups. Using only my magical powers I crush all 3 empty cups with my right hand one at a time… while blindfolded… and on fire! Paige, I’ll show you how to secretly figure out which one has the spike. I’ll give you a hint, it’s probability!

Where will we be learning? Let me know ahead of time so that I can “teleport” there without being late. Based on some past experiences I should also let the fire department know in advance to be on alert.

Also, I used to perform at the community center (before that fire that charred the multipurpose room) and also at my house (when I used to allow visitors). Here’s a poster that I got a graphic designer to make for one of my shows. It was really expensive so I just modified it for your party. Hope you like!

Magically yours,

Ned

Whoa Ned,

Cant tell if you’re joking. Are you serious?

Paige

Sent from my iPhone

Dead serious.

Ned

Ok Ned it’s just some of those tricks seem a bit dangerous based on your description. No way your actually qualified to do them?

Paige

Careful Paige, let’s not forget which one of us is trained in the dark arts. No offense.

I believe you can do anything that you set your mind to. If you hire me, I will set my mind to relearning fire magic.

If you are concerned about not being good enough to do these tricks, I’ve got some fan favorites that would be even more suitable at bars and that are pretty easy to learn. I can bring my pal Mark who can show you how to secretly slip a small object into a beer mug, leverage permanent hypnosis for your own will, and use misdirection to avoid paying your tab.

I’m very excited!

Ned

PS – Mark wants to know if you’re going to go for a walk again today?

This set includes basic foam training weapons, gloves and a vest. Teach your kids to spar. Toys in good condition. We just upgraded so we’re selling this one.

Negotiation Strategy:
It’s pretty tough to find people willing to spar. My plan was to entice this lady into bringing her kids over by describing my simulated battlefield. I think it was a bit too intense for her wussy kids so I’ll have to settle for Mark’s girl scouts…

Hello,

I’m actually interested in finding some worthy sparring partners. I already have equipment. Any interest in meeting up? I have a pretty good setup in my backyard.

Ned “Sarge” Wingfield

Dear Ned,

How old are your kids? What is this setup you have?

Karen

Hi Karen,

Well I’m not exactly certain how old my kids are. They probably range between 1-20 in age. That’s how long I’ve been “donating” my sperm. Anyway that’s a pretty personal question so let’s keep this about the sparring.

Thanks for asking about the setup. I’m very proud of it. It’s a recreation of the set from The Rock where Nicholas Cage and his team get annihilated by Ed Harris’ crew.

There is an elevated platform about 7 feet off the ground (bylaws prevented me going any higher unfortunately). It surrounds an enclosed middle area. The entire fortress is constructed out of concrete. The metal rods in the concrete are mostly shaved down so there are minimal opportunities for impalement or contracting tetanus (though I do generally insist on tetanus shots for all human visitors to my home).

On the second level there are original WWII sniper rifles mounted that can swivel to target people on the lower level. It is highly advantageous to start on the upper level as the towers provide a distinct angle advantage. I will start on the upper level (with my friend Mark) and your kids will start on the lower level. Their goal will be to take over the upper level without getting shot. The chances of them actually accomplishing this are pretty low but this will help them build character.

Now obviously I’ll empty the guns and replace live rounds with rubber bullets. So if someone gets hit they definitely feel it and they go down (thus simulating being shot) but they aren’t permanently killed. I also have a large assortment of throwing knives, spears and daggers for hand to hand combat. We’ll just keep the protective sheaths on them so make sure your kids understand that if they get hit with one of them they should pretend to be wounded. This avoids unnecessary injuries.

I don’t share my weapons though unless they are taken from me in battle. So your kids will have to bring their own (modified for my safety of course). What do you have in your armament?

Ned

Haha very funny. My kids are 7 and 9 and use foam weapons. I don’t think we’ll be coming to meet you whether or not this little fantasy of yours is real.

Karen

Karen,

This is no fantasy. This is a real simulated battle. I hope you reconsider. Mark is bringing over his Girl Scouts on Saturday for a simulation. The girls are 9-10 in age so that would be perfect for your kids. Plus, the more kids there are the lower the chances of your kids getting shot. Although to be fair, usually every kid ends up getting ‘out’. I’m pretty handy with a sniper rifle!

However, if you want your kids to get more individual attention let me know. I run Thermopolea training courses every 3rd weekend of the month. I’ll teach your kids to be tough and work together in a phalanx so that no bullies pick on them. Eg. How to yell “THIS IS SPARTA!” or “No Mercy!” in unison.

I’d love to get to know your children

Talk soon,

Ned

Blue umbrella for $5. Like new condition.
Buyer arranges pickup.

Negotiation Strategy:
I didn’t really want the umbrella. There was a taxidermy convention in New York so I figured I could convince this sucker to pay for my travel into town.

Is this still available?

Ned Wingfield

Hi Ned, yes it is…

Excellent.

Alright so your ad says the buyer arranges pickup. I have some good ideas. How does this work…like, do I just tell you my best one?

Also, what’s your name? Obviously, this will influence which option we go with.

Ned

My name is Amanda. You can come to my place to pick it up. We’ll meet outside. Confirm if that’s ok and I’ll give you my address.

Hi Amanda,

Ok well I don’t have a plan prepared for that and you said “buyer arranges pickup” so I’ll give you the closest one.

I’m going to assume you haven’t seen the Thomas Crown Affair, but this will probably work much better if you have. In fact, maybe you should rent it before we pull this off so we are on the same page.

Be at Grand Central Station at 2:17 PM tomorrow (I don’t work a “9-5″ so this won’t be a problem). I’ll be wearing a bowler hat. But wait, so will many other body doubles. We will all be carrying a blue umbrella similar to the one you are selling me.

As we roam the main hall we will keep walking into each other and switching umbrellas. You come down the stairs at 2:20 and walk to the center of the concourse. One of the body doubles will take the umbrella and hand you a $5 bill. Wait in the middle of the hall. The body doubles will continue switching umbrellas until it gets into my hands. At this time all the bowler hat body doubles will leave the station from different exits. You can then exit the station with your $5.

On your end, please bring a boombox playing “Sinnerman” by Nina Simone.  I can send you an MP3 if you’d like for free.

On my end, I’ve posted an ad on craigslist to recruit body doubles. I figure about 20 doubles, 20 hats, 20 umbrellas. Oh yeah, when you get the $5 bill the body double will also hand you a bill for the expenses. But don’t worry you can just mail a check for that!

See you soon (but you won’t see me!)!!!

Ned

Ned, this is a $5 umbrella. Are you for real? Also, if you are going to have 20 other people with umbrellas how does it make sense to do all this to get an umbrella.

Nevermind, don’t reply. I sold it.

Amanda!

I couldn’t check my e-mail because I was traveling to New York (by the way that was one of the expenses you have to cover). I just assumed we were going forward with my plan when you signed off on it!

After all, you said “buyer arranges pickup.” And I did!

But the plan totally failed Amanda! The body double in the middle never got your umbrella. It turned out to be raining yesterday so he ended up wrenching an umbrella out of some woman’s hands. The cops were right there (did you tip them off?? in the movie she tips them off, i should have known) and they descended on us. A few of the body doubles were arrested or detained I think.

Good thing I set up this plan to avoid detection. I escaped effortlessly and undetected.

Oh, and I just kept the umbrella I used for my disguise so I have one now in case you have any more you were selling. I guess you were right about how it didn’t make sense to buy 20 umbrellas just to get one…Guess we both learned a lesson

Alright, going to mail you the bill. What’s your address?

Ned

If you are interested please contact us and also have a reference email us.

Negotiation Strategy:
Didn’t think I’d even need to negotiate since everyone knows I’m the best DJ in town. Oh well, looking forward to some partying though!

Shalom,

I am interested in this job. I can offer you several entertainment packages but my “going rate” is $500. When and where is the party?!? I would need to check my availability.

Ned Wingfield

Hi Ned,

We don’t want to spend more than $300. If it goes well we will be happy to tip afterwards. Tell us a bit about yourself and your DJ experience. i.e. How many bar mitzvah’s have you done. The party is on December 16th at the ****** center. Are you availible then?

Thanks!

Julie

Shalom Julie,

$400 is fine then. I’ve rocked numerous bar mitzvahs and at my last event, I ‘burned the house down’ by setting the ‘roof on fire’. I actually specialize in DJing at the local community center. My friend Mark teaches women’s floor hockey there occasionally and he unlocks the music room for me. So I have quite a bit of practice. I will get Mark to serve as a reference.

I own 2 strobe lights, a dvd player, and a cassette of “Top 2k4 Party Mixes”.

I also have a ton of prizes to give out during the dancing if you are interested in purchasing them. I have a ton of stuffed animals ranging in size and ferocity.

Ned

Hi Ned,

Thanks for your interest but I tihnk my husband and I are looking for someone with a bit mroe experience,

Julie

Shalom Julie,

What do you mean? I have 4 years of experience with DJing. I mean, you don’t want to make the mistake of hiring a crap DJ…no offense. My reference should be emailing you shortly, he’s just tied up at the moment.

Thanks for reconsidering,

Ned

Ned,

I admire your persistence but unfortunately the position has already been filled. My sister found a guy who DJayed at her daughters best friend’s bat mitzvah. Thank you for your interest though!

Warmest regards,

Julie

Shalom Julie,

I appreciate the opportunity and am sorry things didn’t work out. Anyways, thanks for the invite, see you on the 16th!

Ned

What do you mean “See you on the 16th”

Hey Julia!

Ned wanted me to contact you regarding the Jew party your throwing down on the 16th. He is a great DJ and some say the best. Hope your serving up some of that matzah ball soup. Also, is it ok if I bring a date. Just thought I’d be a little polite and ask first. Looking forward to meetign you and congrats on finding my good pal Ned!

Yours,

Mark Sennis

Christmas presents wanted for gift-drive at ******** Elementary School in light of the tough economic times. We’re asking the community to start early this year and come together this season, open your heart and make a difference!

Bring them by the dropbox at the front entrance.

Thank you for your kindness!

Negotiation Strategy:
I have something they want. For all you negotiation buffs out there, that means I have ‘leverage.’ I will exploit the poor kids whining about not having presents to promote my business ventures. That way everyone wins…but especially me

Hi,

I’m willing to donate a few stuffed animals if you let me advertise at the school. My heart is open and I’d really like to make a difference

Ned Wingfield

Ned,
Your e-mail was referred to me. What do you want to adveritse?

Eileen ********

Acting Principal
******** Elementary School

Ellen,

I offer a variety of services. I think most likely my DJ service and also my teddy bear business. I think the school would be a good target audience for my ventures.

I see you’re in the acting business. How is that treating you?

Ned

Ned:

I’m a bit confused. It’s Eileen by the way, and no I’m the acting principal for the school. Send me a flyer and if it’s ok we can move forward.

E

Sent from my BlackBerry device

Hi Eleen,

Here’s the flyer! Let me know if it’s ok and I can bring the animals over. I was thinking a few cats and maybe some foxes. There is a pretty good supply of these around the neighborhood (pets and in the wild respectively).

Don’t worry, I won’t rat you out about the acting. I’ve definitely had to fake it that I could do a lot of jobs even though I’m a male. So you keep scratching me and I’ll keep scratching you

Ned

attached: Ned’s flyer

Wow Ned. This is definitely not going to be ok. On second thought you can keep those animals at home.

Eileen ********
Acting Principal
******** Elementary School

You might want to reconsider. I’m not ‘acting’ if you catch my drift

Ned

If you are in ******** and free to meet a few times each week let me know your rate.

Thank you.

Negotiation Strategy:
Since I haven’t been able to find a roommate, there is still a lot of work around the house. I tried to convince this fatso to do it for me and pay me. I’m waiting for him to cave in soon.

Good morning,

I run a mock boot camp every fall in my backyard. So far the class is empty so it would be one-on-one training. Some of the exercises include chopping fire wood, polishing guns and other weapons, stretching animal hide (great for your triceps), resurfacing my roof, and finally raking the lawn (builds up the cafs). I charge $50 dollars a workout and I am available everyday.

Let me know,

Ned Wingfield

What the hell! Im not paying to do your chores for you

Hey Chubby,

Give me a break fatman, no offense. Theres a reason i have this figure! You can spend time at the gym but honestly the only way to get in shape tubby is to do chores around the house. When are you going to need to lift 200 pounds above your head? The Wingfield regiment is a tried and tested method. Look at the Amish. There are no fatties. I’ll bet even you would have been skinny if you were Amish! This is simply because they do the types of exercises that I offer.

Anyways, if you want I can set up my lawn chair outside while you’re working out and yell fat insults to motivate you to keep working. If you bring over any delicious fatty foods I will consume them to protect you from eating them for only $10 more per lesson.

Coach Ned

your an ass, screw u!!

Easy there big fella. Obviously you are not ready to change your lifestyle. Let me know when you’re ready to get serious about your blubber body.

Coach