comedian needed

looking to hire a local comedian for a friends bday party. not looking to spend too much ($50 max) but if you are funny and need some work get in touch

Negotiation Strategy:
I’m a pretty funny guy. People often point and laugh with me at my hilarious antics when I go out in public. I decided it was time to start capitalizing on my innate ability to elicit the human emotion of happiness by claiming to be a comedian. Some people might deem this “fraud” but the word “fraud” isn’t in my dictionary. Though, I guess that’s because I used my dictionary to stuff a marmoset…

Hi there,

People are always e-mailing me and telling me I’m “hilarious” and a “comedic genius”. Big surprise. I’ve been making fun of people for years. I’d love to perform at your little party, no offense.

If you let me know soon I can start writing some custom jokes about your friend!

Ned

hey,

so have you done stand up before? how funny are you?

jarrod

Jarrod,

I wasn’t sure how to answer your question. So, I did some free performances downtown this afternoon and got some great feedback. Apparently I’m “as funny as AIDS” and “f***ing retarded.” So I guess I’m quite funny. One guy even said “get the hell away from here, you’re driving away all my customers.” Obviously he was worried they would stay and listen to me instead of shopping at his crummy convenience store.

Also, there was some homeless guy and I couldn’t make out exactly what he said but I think it was, “You’re really funny man! You should show Jarrod your comedy show!” He loved me so much he gave me a cup full of change as payment for my jokes! He even followed me to my car and kept shouting praises at me. I think I have a new #1 fan.

Anyway, if you give me some info about your friend I can make up some jokes. Like if they are  Native American, visually impaired, or senior citizens I have tons of material. They are really easy targets for jokes and also great for scams. I have even better jokes if they’re a woman or handicapped (same thing, lollolol). Without knowing anything about your friend it’s tough to give you some examples of how I would make fun of him.

But, here’s a bunch of jokes/funny observations I just made up right now:

-What’s the deal with Virgin Olive Oil?  Are all the other olives humping? LOLL

-You ever notice how lawyers practice law. Doctors just practice medicine. You would think that eventually they would be good enough to play. ROTFLOL!

-Whats the deal with those fast food commercials?  C’mon, no one rips chicken that slowly when they eat it. Hahahah

-What’s with fat people? Why don’t they just become skinny! LOLx2

-What’s the deal with airport security?

-If it’s so important to give up something on Lent, why not just give up Lent?! @__@

-What’s the deal with hot dogs? Everyone else uses beef! (^_^) lolz

-What’s the deal with ‘jumbo shrimp’?  They taste awful! Lmao

-Why did Santa’s helpers quit their job?  They had low ‘elf-confidence’!

-How do guerilla’s fight?  Gorilla warfare!!!  (Hold for applause… 1,2,3)

Anyway, that’s just a sampling of some jokes. Don’t share them because this is A-list material. Let me know if I’m too funny. I can tone it down if you’re worried about me making your guests laugh too hard and rupturing a spleen or something (I’ve ruptured many spleens, though usually with some sort of sharpened projectile).

Ned

haha those are bad jokes but they are actually funny in a way. i gotta admit i laft. i dont think my friends would like it tho. sorry

j

Yeah, I was just joking.  lol, those jokes are terrible. No offense.

By the way, you never answered my question about airport security?  I’m interested in getting your opinion…

I’d be happy to send you some premium (and actually funny) jokes if you want.

Ned

glad thats not ur best stuff. send me better jokes if you still want to preform.

j

LOL Jarrod,

Ok, I’m sending you my best stuff.  Now, obviously to protect myself from you stealing my jokes, I’ve taken out the punchlines for the purpose of this e-mail.

Joke #1:  Three guys walk into a bar: a hunter, a priest, and Michael Jordan.  The hunter orders a beer and says “I’ve killed so many animals that I deserve a beer!  He then drinks his beer.  Next, the priest says, “Wow Ned, well I’ve prayed so many times that I also deserve a beer!” The priest then drinks the beer.  There is a silence and the two men look to Michael Jordan.  Finally, Michael says …

Joke #2: What do you call a zebra with only two legs? A …

Joke #3: Have any of you heard the one about the …

Also, just so that you know, my jokes each have a different price ranging from $0.99 to $1.99. It costs the same as downloading music, only I’m way funnier than music. Well, except for Phil Collins I guess.

My friend Mark will come to the performance and keep track of which ones I perform and bill accordingly. He charges $0.25 for each joke he has to check off on the bill and $0.10 per laugh (smiles count).

When is the performance?

Ned

no thanks

j

Jarrod,

I understand. I am too funny for most people. Anyway…

“knock knock”

Ned

Orange!

Ned

Orange you glad you hired Ned for your comedy show!

Ned

stop sending me shit. i didnt even say whose there

I don’t get it. Is that the punchline? Who’s where? Should I come over?

Ned

k wtf is wrong with you. you just kept sending me the joke. i didnt even write back. if you want a punchline ill give you one in your face if i ever see you

Jarrod,

That would be great. I always like hearing new jokes. It helps me stay in touch with what the kids think is funny these days.

Ned

Jarrod,

Oh I just got the joke. Can I use that in my act? Thanks in advance.

Ned

Jarrod,

I know it’s been about a week since my last email.  Just wanted to let you know that the joke’s on you. I’m not even a comedian. LOLOLOL

Ned

Matchmaker needed

I’m placing this ad for my friend. She is a busy professional who never makes enough time for dating. She’s a bit shy and doesn’t like the creepy bar scene so we want a matchmaker to try to set her up with Mr. Right. She wants someone fun, active and around her age (35). She is not looking for a random fling. She wants a lasting relationship. If you are a matchmaker and have some people that might be right for her please contact us with credentials.

Negotiation Strategy:

This negotiation is a classic example of miscommunication. I only read the title of the ad (I’m a busy guy) and so obviously I assumed Dawn wanted a supply of matches / matchsticks. Rather, she was looking for love. Once I realized what Dawn was really after, I had to improvise and creatively expand my service offering.

After some quick research, I found out that online singles tend to have lower self-confidence. I tried to play off of that and shatter her self-confidence entirely, in hopes that Dawn would be convinced that she couldn’t find a match on her own. Unfortunately, my plan to make her critically dependent on me didn’t quite pan out the way I wanted. Hope she finds who she’s looking for…Not!

Hi there,

I think I can help your “friend” find the perfect match. No offense, but I’m a professional matchmaker with over 10 years of experience. Since I’ve already made like hundreds of dollars on my other business ventures I have plenty of money. I do my matchmaking solely for the joy of setting up clients with the perfect match.

So if you’re looking for a premium, straight and most importantly hot match, you’ve come to the right firestarter. I have blacks and whites available and can look into other colors/shades if desired. Obviously, I have different sizes too depending on personal preference.

Let me know if you’re interested and I will send over a personalized questionnaire to determine your perfect match. This is something those corporate/online matchmaker companies won’t take the time to do. Stick with me and I guarantee an enduring match where sparks will fly!

Ned Wingfield

Ned Wingfield Matchmaking

I’m fine with going with a smaller company. That’s why I posted my ad on ********** after all. We want a more old-fashioned and personalized approach so I guess maybe you’re right for the job.

What is your success rate like? Do you have any testimonials from past clients or that sort of thing so we know the quality of your work?

Hi Dawn!

Well Dawn, I’ve made over 5000 matches to date. In terms of my success rate, it seems about 40% of the matches work out while the others burn out too soon. I’m looking into the problem to try to increase the rate but I haven’t had too many complaints.

I have some preliminary questions for your friend that will determine which further questions I send.

How many matches does she want?
Are you planning on using alchohol with any of your matches?
How important is safety to you?

Get back to me on these and I’ll produce a list of about 75 questions to determine the perfect match for your friend using my patented matchmaking algorithm (patent pending).

Based on personal experience, the best ones are the long-sticked ones as they tend to last the longest, but of course we will do whatever your friend wants!

Ned

5,000 matches is certainly an impressive number. And if 50% of all marriages end in divorce anyway then a 40% success rate for your matches sounds pretty good. As to how many matches I guess that all depends on what you can find. If the first one works out then my friend won’t need any others.

Safety is very important and we would like to know what your screening process is. Send us your questionnaire and we’ll be happy to fill it out. And thank you for the suggestion but I don’t think that my friend cares if he is “long sticked” ha ha.

Also, can you please send along a reference.

Dawn,

Thank you for being impressed with my excellence but your words are unneccessary. No offense, but I already know how great I am. I don’t really understand how you will use only 1 match in the future, but I only sell matches in packs of 50.

My screening proccess is very intense, thanks for asking. I strike 1 match in every 5000 to make sure they light.

I noticed you sidestepped my question about alchohol which causes me some worry with regard to your level of knowledge in the fiery arts. Alcohol and other accelerants can lead to explosive reactions (i.e. explosions) when used with matches (especially my white phosphorus models). For legal purposes I must advise you against using accelerants. But from a personal standpoint accelerants are tons of fun and a great way to dispose of feline intruders. Forget 9 lives, they barely even last 9 seconds…which sucks because it makes for a great 9 seconds.

Let me know how many matches you are thinking and I’ll send over the questionnaire soon.

By the way, sorry but I can’t write a reference letter for you just yet. I barely know you. But, if you send me a letter I’d be happy to sign it.

Ned

Okay so I think we have our wires crossed here or something. I’m pretty sure you’re talking about selling me matchsticks but I thought it was pretty clear I’m looking to set my friend up with a guy. So I want a ‘matchmaker’. That’s what you call someone who finds compatibile people to set up on dates. Anyways it was pretty confusing to tell what you were selling that so thats why I said I was interested but of course we are not anymore.

Dawn,

My apologies. I can see how you got so confused but to be honest I don’t think you’ll have much luck finding a date for your “friend” without my help. Obviously your “friend” isn’t too savvy… Also, I think it’s pretty low to pretend this is for your friend when it’s obviously for you. You are pathetic, no offense.

Since you are obviously incapable of dating on your own and have resorted to the internet for help, clearly you are pretty desperate. Again, no offense Dawn.

Thankfully, for you, I also run a “matchmaking” service as you call it. I’m sending over a flyer to you that outlines my services. That’s what she said. lolol.

Also, reconsider buying some matches too as I really do make a great product with high profit margins.

Ned

[flyer attached]

Screw you Ned. I have a boyfriend and my friend is real and she’s a catch and is not going to use your sham dating service. Get a life.

Ok, I understand you don’t want to use my sham dating service. Probably a good move. To be honest, I mostly made it up to try to drum up some business since you misled me about wanting to buy my matches.

In any case, I have a “friend” who is single and looking. He owns his own business and compound bow, is a celebrity blogger, and also a world class hunter. Let me know if your “friend” is interested.

I think they might be a perfect “match”

Ned

Electric violinist wants to join a band

I have been playing the electric violin for 4 years and want to start playing with a band. If you have an existing band and need a violinist please contact me.

Thanks!

Negotiation Strategy:

TNWE has a big battle coming up and needs some help to secure our victory. In my 5+ months of negotiation experience, I’ve realized that the hardest thing to get a seller to do is to risk his life for your benefit. My strategy was to make this guy feel stupid, and progressively more unqualified to make the decision. Then, he would simply just agree to do whatever I wanted so he could save face. If this had worked, I planned on repeating the steps and recruiting more minions and pawns to do my bidding in battle.

Hi there,

I am the leader of a band called The Ned Wingfield Experience (yes, that TNWE). As I’m sure you know, the TNWE have a killer saxophonist (me), a pretty sick drummer (Beatrice, my mom) and a vicious bassist (my buddy Mark). We are so close to being ready to destroy the competition but we need someone else to round out our troop. We are auditioning for a violinist. If you are skilled and a good fit, you might have a bright career ahead of you.

We’ll test you out by competing in a Battle of the Bands in about a month. If you make it through the battle, then you can join the band.

What’s your battle experience like?

Ned Wingfield

Band Leader & Saxophonist for The Ned Wingfield Experience (TNWE)

Actually Ned, I have not heard of ‘TNWE’. What kind of music do you guys play?

I have 4+ years of experience but have never done a competition before.

Why don’t we meet up and see if we mesh?

Best,

Angus

Hey Angus,

Since you lack battle experience I’m really quite worried that you won’t hold up. These things are usually much more intense than they appear on tv or in movies. Everything is louder and the ground actually shakes from all the noise. I’ve seen professionals piss their pants. My buddy Mark sharted his first time…do you know what that is Angus?!?

Now, the flyer said “classical instruments only” so I’m going to be using my compound bow. Do you have a bow or some other classical instrument?

Ned

Yes of course. I own a carbon french bow. I prefer the electric violin but I play acoustic too.

What’s a compound bow though? Never heard of that.

Do you want to meet up soon to jam and see if we are a good match?

Best,

Angus

Wow Angus.

I’m speechless. You don’t know what a compound bow is!!! You aren’t going to last a minute. The compound bow is only the most dominant bow in use in the United States. Duh… It revolutionized projectile warfare from the old English longbow. Are you even from this country?

Also, your bow sounds like a crap weapon. No offense.

Look Angus, I’m a nice guy and I’m willing to put in some time to train you if you join our band – but you have to be ready for intense battle simulations. The sparring arena in my backyard is too small, but fortunately there is a cemetery behind my backyard and we can go ‘jam’ there. FYI real men call it sparring.

You should make sure to bring your ‘bow’ and a bunch of arrows (or should I assume you don’t know what those are either?)

Obviously bring a kevlar jacket and a helmet. If you’re a bleeder then you can bring some band-aids but you don’t really need them since I always carry an emergency supply of Borneoan freshwater leeches.

Are you free Saturday? Let’s set up a time and start whipping you into shape. I want to get you trained since it would be a mild inconvenience to lose you in battle.

Ned

Are you trying to recruit me for some fight? I am a violinist. A musician. I don’t get this?

Angus,

I’m recruiting you for both. If you are actually this stupid then we will have a real problem on our hands during battle. No offense.

Ugh, ok…let me start over. I want you to fight with us in the Battle of the Bands. Once we kill the other bands, you can join our band. Since there will be no more competition, we will be the best band in the world. Why was that so hard to understand???

I have an incredible battle plan. As it is a “classical” battle, I’ve built a fully operational 25 foot trebuchet capable of delivering a 190 pound payload up to a football field away. When the other bands come out with only bows and knives, we will annihilate them. I’ve been talking some trash with the London Philharmonic about how I’m gunning for their conductor and they are so scared their lawyer sent me a cease and desist letter. As if I’ve ever obeyed one of those. LOL.

We can fire basically anything at our enemies including diseased animal corpses and rocks. If you die, we’ll probably end up firing your corpse too. Or, if you’re game, we could launch you while you’re still alive. Might be a cool way to go…

So Angus, are you in or are you in?

Ned

I’m out. You sound delusional and should get some help.

Aha! I am on to you “Angus”. You must be part of another band and you are trying to convince other participants to come unarmed!

Are you one of Bryan’s friends from that stupid group that kicked me out of my own band?

How foolish of me not to consider that there might be spies trying to gain access to our battle strategy! I hope I see you on the battlefield. Prepare to be dominated by TNWE…

As they say, you might have won the war but you haven’t won the battle!

Ned

I AM THE MINISTER OF A GROWING PRAYER GROUP. WE MEET AT MY HOUSE IN ********** TO MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES WITH THE POWER OF PRAYER. JOIN US AND HELP US PRAISE THE LORD AND IMPROVE THE WORLD. PUT YOUR FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST AND YOUR WORRIES WILL DISAPPEAR!

ALL ARE WELCOME. PLEASE CALL ***-***-****

Negotiation Strategy:
My strategy here was of biblical proportions. I used lots of religious terms and pretended to be observant to endear myself to this man of God. Every negotiator needs a little ‘faith’ in themselves to close a deal. Apparently, he didn’t think his prayer group was capable of solving my problems, so he stopped writing me.

Good morning Father,

I am a devoted Christian! In fact I have been Christian since I was born. This is even longer than Jesus was Christian!

Recently I have been having some internal conflicts and I want to “make positive changes with the power of prayer.” What is the success rate of these prayers, no offense?

Anyway, how much does it cost and do you barter?

God Bless,

Ned Wingfield

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ned’s Bible Quote of the Day:

2 Kings 2:24: “Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ned,

The gift of prayer is open to all of God’s children free of any charge. Join us! We meet every other Thursday at 7:15 AM. Call me if you want to come and I’ll give you directions. Hopefully together we can resolve whatever is troubling you.

Sincerely,

Edward
***-***-****

Father Ed,

Amen. “Free” prayer sounds like a pretty good deal but you totally sidestepped my question about the success rate. Unfortunately, you have met your match in Ned Wingfield. I’ve been sidestepping things like questions, rules and federal hunting laws for years.

Before I commit to this “free” prayer group, I want some promises. Let me tell you what troubles me and you can tell me whether your group can fix my problems.

My neighbor has been grinding my gears for eternity. This is basically a story of David and Goliath. However, in this story, I’m Goliath and David will lose (obviously my flash grenades would defeat Dave’s slingshot).

Anyway, since I am a practicing Christian, recently I have tried to live my life by the motto of “What Would Jesus Do?”. I find it’s moderately more effective than my previous phase of “What Would Michael Vick Do?”. It also looks better as a bumper sticker.

Accordingly, I have been using my crossbow recently, instead of the far superior compound bow I normally prefer. I converted my neighbor’s main source of water into wine. Actually, to cut costs, this was really cat’s blood mixed with rubbing alcohol but it looked a lot like red wine. I even resurrected myself by getting my friend Mark to tell her I died on vacation, and then surprised her in the backseat of her car. LOL!!

However, none of this has worked. She is still antagonizing me by calling the police and other ridiculous endeavors like putting barbed wire on her backyard fence. You might compare her sinning to Judas, but like at least 100 times worse. So, I want to use this prayer group to drive my neighbor away from our block. I could use some divine intervention. Kind of like how He helped David drive away the Philistines. Please let me know if you think your prayer group is up to the task.

Also, if you don’t think prayer will work, maybe the group can just come over and distract her with Christmas carols on Santa’s birthday while I sneak into her house through the side door to ‘kittynap’ her new litter.

Please help me Father!

Son, companion, and future fellow congregant: Ned

P.S. My friend Mark is interested in joining with me. He just cannot get over the fact that Jesus said that if you harm any of the little ones that it would be better for you to drown yourself in the ocean first. He doesn’t know how to swim! What should he do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ned’s Bible Quote of the Day:

Deuteronomy 25:11-12: “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Help our community center build a haunted house. Any volunteers are welcome. Must own closed-toed shoes and a good heart.

Contact Murray at ***-***-**** for time/location.

Negotiation Strategy:
I have so many items that are perfect for this so I figured I could really cash in on Halloween this year. It’s usually my second most profitable holiday just below Martin Luther King day (obviously).

Hi there,

I would love this job. I spend a lot of time looking at personal ads and trying to find work. It hardly ever works out though, so I should most likely be free to work on the haunted house. I can safely say this job is perfect for me. I have the necessary skills and qualifications.

Just as a teaser, I’m a certified amusement ride inspector, certified premium haunted house operator and I almost have my special FX/lighting degree. I also have a license to kill (1989 collectors ed. VHS). I’m your ideal candidate, no offense.

Let me know if you’re interested and I can send a photocopy of my high school equivalency transcript.

I am ready to haunt!

Ned!

Hi Ned,

Sounds like you keep pretty busy but frankly I don’t need to know all this. Just give Murray a call or show up at ******** Community Center on Sunday, the 25th at 2:00 PM. You don’t need to give us a transcript or anything. Thanks for volunteering your time!!

-Melissa

Hi Melissa,

Sorry, but I don’t use the phone except for calling my mother during Wheel of Fortune.

Anyway, I have a ton of “haunted” stuff at home that I’ll bring to the community center. I was thinking it would be like $50 or so per item for the rental. We are talking functional/loaded weapons, a cursed sarcophagus, blood-stained clown costumes, daggers, barbed wire and probably more stuff I forget that is in my basement.

Also, I have dozens of taxidermied mammals (Yes Melissa, I have primates) and living vermin (with or without disease). These soft and cozy furry friends clearly aren’t scary enough but I’d be willing to cut off parts and sew them back together to create scary mythological creatures like the Chimera (Lion body, Goat head, Snake tail, Eagle wings, Horse legs).

I figure my time is worth well over $500/hour but since this job sounds fun, we can do $250/hour.

Let’s work out payment afterward but my guess is that I won’t bill too many hours since I am quite adept at this sort of thing. My neighbors won’t let their kids anywhere near my house! haha scaredycats

Can you just do me a favor and let Murray know the arrangement since I can’t use the phone?

Ned

Hi Ned,

I don’t think you understood that this is a volunteer initiative. Also, all those weapons and stuff are horribly unsafe. This is a haunted house for kids. Frankly it might be best if you didn’t come.

-Melissa

Hi Melissa,

Sorry for the confusion. I am really confused by that word ‘volunteer’. I used my dictionary to stuff a marmoset recently so I couldn’t look it up. Why did you bold it? What’s the deal?

Also, it probably isn’t too hard to scare kids. No offense, but I might be overqualified for this job.

Ned

P.S. Is this a BYOWE (’bring your own welding equipment’) thing or will you be supplying?

Ned,

I’m pretty sure you know what volunteer means. You appear to be educated. Please stop wasting my time.

-Melissa

Melissa,

I called mom during Wheel last night and she told me what volunteer means. You seriously expect people to come work for you for free? And you want ME to stop wasting YOUR time???

If you want a real haunted house let me know. I’ll give those kids nightmares.

Ned

We do old fences, above ground pools, unsafe garages, sheds, carpet removol, concreat driveways and pre-renovation demo work etc. free disposal

Also do junk removal and major hauling for a fee when no demolition is needed. Call Aasif @ (***)***-****

Negotiation Strategy:
My Korean neighbor left on vacation two days ago so I had to try this out. My goal was to demolish her house while she was gone. I figure I’d be doing the city a favor. I tried reporting it to a city inspector a year ago but they didn’t listen. As a good citizen, I had to take this into my own hands / someone else’s hands to avoid personal liability. Just to be safe I used an alias though (my altar ego, “Den”).

Also, I figured since I’m surprising my neighbor this might make a great new reality TV show. I want to film the demolition and get reaction shots of my neighbor when she returns. Then I’ll pitch the show to some of those house/home networks. This way I’m killing two birds with one stone (I’ve actually done this!).

Hi there,

Just bought a new house and I would like you to destroy my old one for me.

So how does this work? Do I just give you an address and what I want done?  Cash or barter?

Let me know.

Den

I need more details – Aasif

Aasif,

I would like to demolish a two-story house. As a bonus, If you can do it this week, I’ll let you keep whatever you find in the rubble.

Den

That’s a big project and probly beyond our scale. Where are you located den? I can come and take a look. Also, would you liek to use our moving service.  We have a very good rate for takeing your things to your new home. – Aasif

Aasif,

Nah, it’s mostly asian furniture, asian food, some cats, and other replaceable items. May as well not risk taking the time to move them all. When is the earliest you can come and destroy my place?

Also, are you using a wrecking-ball or explosives?  I used up all of my nitro and most of my TNT last month but have a bit left over.  It may be enough to collapse the structural integrity of the south-eastern side since it’s been weakened by my handsome neighbor shooting his compound bow at the wall on countless occasions. I can leave the TNT at the site for you.

I won’t be present at the demolition so when you arrive, feel free to just get started. I’ll leave some lemonade by the TNT to keep your productivity up. Also, I’ve hired a film crew to document this for my personal archives so make sure you comply with any interview requests (that’s what she said, lol!).

Let me know if we have a deal and I’ll send you my address.

Den

You are leaving your cats in? And filming?? Can you send me a permit or something so I know this is allowed. This is pretty strange. -Aasif

Aasif,

I don’t have a permit. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one

Den

Sorry Den I talked this over with my partner and were going to have to pass -Aasif

Aasif,

Your partner? I didn’t realize…

Look Aasif, let me level with you. Try not to explode, lol. I’m the producer of a new reality show called “Total Demolition, No Permission” and we are filming our pilot episode. Basically when someone goes on vacation we demolish their house and when they return, we film them freaking out. It’s a can’t miss hit. I’m hoping for primetime. At the very least it will obviously be a hit in Japan.

If you do this demolition for us we will use you for future episodes. We can even use you guys being gay as a twist. We can paint the wrecking ball pink or something. This could be a great opportunity for you and your partner!

You should really start thinking about expanding your business. Disposal is small time. Unsanctioned demolitions are the big leagues. Time to step it up.

Den

Den this is completely ridiculous and I’m not gay I was talking about my business partner. What’s your phone number? I want to give you a piece of mind! -Aasif

Aasif,

I’m not surprised you don’t know how to take ‘constructive’ criticism.

Den

[picture of a crummy old printer]

Negotiation Strategy:
Even if your primary purpose for an item doesn’t work out you should always try to come up with another use if you think you can get a bargain. Check out how I implemented this strategy to near success…

Hi there,

I am interested in this laser.  Can you send me the specs on the laser.  i.e. mW, nn, red/green/blue/yellow, and amount of Potassium titanyl phosphate. I am in need of a high powered laser for a few uses.  Please advise on my inquiry immediately.

Ned Wingfield

its a printer

Hi Clemonte,

Thanks for the concise reply!!

Is the LASER printer still available?

Ned

25$ and it’s yours

Great Clemmy!

So here’s the deal. My neighbor just got a new dog.  I know what you’re thinking, don’t Koreans eat dogs?  Well apparently not since this one just sits in their backyard and barks whenever I try to sneak in.  Unfortunately, my black jumpsuit just tore on some barbed wire and my night vision goggles are clogged with sewer water. Fortunately, my wire cutters are still in good shape so while I can still enter through the side gate, I really need to work on my stealthiness.

But, this bloody dog is ruining everything. I was hoping I could shine a laser in his eyes until he can’t see me anymore…if you catch my drift.  If you don’t, my intention is to blind this dog.  If all goes well, they’ll get rid of it, and maybe as a bonus I can catch it and stuff it.

So, obviously it would help if your laser is Class IIIb/3B. Any idea if it is?

Let me know.

Ned

your jokes man but this printer prolly can’t blind anyone. sorry

Tell you what Clemster, I have a secondary use for it.  I recently purchased 75 mirrors for my foyer to disorient intruders. Currently, I run strobe lights to buy me some time to escape out of the attic catapult but after my last rehearsal, it looks like I need about 30 more seconds to make it out in time.  This laser could do the trick.  I could rig the laser to the alarm system so that if it’s tripped, the police will come.  This should delay intruders as they twist and bend around the laser. I can illuminate the beam with my smoke machine!

I could also use this thing for my DJ business.  Not sure if you party a lot but these lasers seem to be all the rage with today’s youth.

Where do you think we should make the exchange?  Also, you never said whether you wanted cash or barter? That’s what she said, LOL.

If you want, I’d even be willing to trade a stuffed dog for the laser so long as you can wait until a few weeks after I get the laser

Ned

hahah, ned ur ridiculous.  i dont think u can use this laser for that either. i dont know how printers work but i dont think its a big laser

Well, perhaps if the mW is too small, I could use it for something else.

I recently augmented my paintball gun to feed off of compressed nitrogen.  It’s better than the CO2 stuff they give you.  More importantly, the extra umph from the gas allows me to load in heavier ammunition…including marbles.  My neighbors cats won’t know what hit them…until they see the marbles. So Clemonte, here’s where you and your laser come in.  I’m having trouble aiming the gun and a laser scope would definitely help.

Of course, since the laser is not up to par, I believe a 15% discount is appropriate. No offense.

I’m not interested in playing around anymore and entertaining your foolishness so if you’re actually serious, let’s close this deal. I look forward to doing business with you.

Ned

ok sure is $22 good?

Hey Clemonte,

Thing is, I don’t like the number 2.  All prices in the 20’s are therefore out of the question.  30’s seem high so how about 11?

Ned

why not 19?

why not clemonte?

So wait? is 19 good?

Actually, thanks for asking.  This month is bad Karma for all 1’s.  How about $9? It’s only fair…

As an incentive, I’ll give you two tips: one now and one upon delivery. Tip #1 – since you just bought a new printer, here’s some advice: Don’t try to fill empty ink cartridges with elk blood.

Ned

My asian arowana died. I have some other fish in the tank but I really had the tank for the arowana so I’m selling the tank. It’s 3 years old and aside from being a bit dirty is in good condition.

This is a big tank. See pic below.

[picture of large fish tank included in original posting]

Negotiation Strategy:
Death is the easiest way to acquire goods at sub-market prices. The seller is emotional (i.e. easy to manipulate). Also, most buyers don’t like to profit off death, which really just means less competition. The key is to show compassion to gain the seller’s trust…

Hey there,

I apologize for your loss.

I was deeply saddened to hear about this and I know how difficult this must be for you. It sounds like your fish was a wonderful person. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you must be emotional right now so I just want you to know I’m here if you need to talk. Hopefully selling the tank will provide some closure so I’m happy to help with that.

You have my condolences, I will light a candle tonight.

Ned Wingfield

Ned:

Your email was very sweet. I miss my fish and maybe one day I will get another one. Does this mean you want the tank?

Hedvig.

Hi Hedvig,

I hope you are feeling better since the last time I wrote you. I want to let you know that the candle burned until the morning and your fish remained in my thoughts all night.

I’m interested in the tank but my immediate concern is actually about the arowana. As you obviously know, people pay hundreds of dollars for these fish. No offense. And I simply can’t afford that. Fortunately my interest is of a more long term variety so I don’t mind that it has passed.

Is there any chance you haven’t flushed it yet? I’d be very interested in purchasing it if it’s in good condition.

Ned

What do you want my dead fish for! I buried it in my garden so sorry Ned but you are not buying it.

Hedvig,

I hope you know that some raccoon is probably just going to dig it up and have it for a pre bed snack or something. I have much nobler purposes. I intend to preserve your fish for all eternity. I am an aspiring taxidermist and I have a lot of experience (though minimal with aquatic animals in the interest of full disclosure).

I really think this is a much better alternative for your fish than rotting in the ground. Do the right thing for the fish.

Ned

Your ridiculus Ned! I’m not going to let you stuff my fish.

Bye!!
Hedvig.

Look lady, obviously you have reservations about my quality of work. I’d like to have you over to give you a tour of my preserved animals. I have done pets before by the way so I’m familiar with domestic animals (that’s what she said OMG LOLOL).

Anyway, I’m still really sorry about your fish and I hope you finally move on. You can keep it in your garden for as long as you want but it will probably just become a weed. On my wall it will be a rose

Ned

You’re such a JERK! No way!!