Part-time babysitter needed

I’m looking for a babysitter to watch my baby while I work part-time 3 days a week. During those days you will work from 8-7 so you must be able to commit and be punctual every day. I want somebody with plenty of experience with kids and who has references to back this up. Please tell me about yourself in your reply.

Price is negotiable but I am willing to pay ‘above market’ for a qualified and enthusiastic individual

Negotiation Strategy:
Since I lack an heir to the Wingfield name and eventual fortune, I’ve decided to begin training children that are not mine. I will mold them (aka brainwash them) into even better versions of me, the celebrity blogger, the one and only Ned Wingfield (if that’s even possible) and eventually there will be a whole army of Ned’s to do my bidding in about 20 years when it’s time for the uprising. Straight up, my plan here was to impress the seller with my wealth of experience and amazing references so it was impossible to say no. SPOILER ALERT: she said no…

Hi there,

I am a qualified baby sitter (though I prefer the term ‘infant professional’) with references available. Let me know how I can start working with your baby.

Ned Wingfield

Hello Ned:

Thanks for contacting me. Tell me a little about your experience and what makes you qualified to look after my son.

Also, please let me know who I can contact for a reference (phone number please).

Thank you,
Suzie

Mother Suzie,

Congratulations on birthing a boy. What a feat! I remember when I was born and it was quite impressive.

You asked me for 3 things: experience, qualifications and a reference. I’ll provide those in order (but to go out of order for just a moment, one of my qualifications is my excellent ability to do things in order).

My Experience:
One time, when I was a kid, I was hunting with my dad. He ran off chasing a cougar and I was left behind in the woods. I managed to survive for 3 days by joining a pack of raccoons. They took me in as one of their own. I have the scars to prove it! They are just like the raccoon version of initiation tattoos, though I did have some rabies issues for a little while. But, we got the cougar and it’s still in my living room to this day!

Let me know if you want more experience. I have countless experiences (at least 3 more!) of this nature.

My Qualifications:
-Self-taught in CPR
-Aware of First Aid
-Excellent at inducing vomiting
-World record holder (unofficial) for number of babies fit inside a kitchen microwave
-Master of disguise
-Level 80 Mage in online WOW
-I have trained myself to lactate = unlimited supply of baby food.

My Reference:
Mark Sennis, my reference, is unavailable right now. He’s gone on a weekend retreat to his cabin with his girlfriend. But here are some reference quotes he has provided me in relation to other endeavors.

“DJ KiLLA Ned is the shizzle. Make sure you request the flash grenade package!”
- Mark Sennis

“Wizard Ned is an unbelievable magician. One time I saw him put a nail through some guy’s hand and it even looked like there was real blood and a real ambulance. What an illusion!”
- Mark Sennis

Ok Suzie, I look forward to hearing from you soon. We can start negotiating payment whenever you’re ready!

Ned

Ned:

I hope most of that was a bad joke. Anyways I want a babysitter who has experience with kids, not some guy who plays with flash grenades.

I’m going to pass.

Suzie

Mother Suze,

Caught your pass. LOL. You have a great arm for a girl. hahaha

K, sorry about not understanding you earlier. Sometimes it’s really hard to understand what women are saying. No offense. Here is what you asked for…

My experience with kids:

I once almost coached a little league team with my buddy Mark. I offer swimming lessons in my backyard. I frequently spar with kids of all ages at my home sparring arena. I am a self-certified fire breather aka a “flamer” (I guess that’s not baby related but I like to brag).

Also, a couple years ago, I watched an entire episode of Kids Say The Darnedest Things (though I should warn you that if your child says anything darned, there will be consequences). I once raised a clutch of baby otters and then harvested their fur and meat.

Oooh, and I’ve seen the Babysitter’s Club movie at least 2 times (I fell asleep halfway through the second time when my Nyquil kicked in but it kept playing so that counts).

Best of all, I have a huge stuffed animal collection that your baby will love. I can catch, kill and stuff any animal you think your little toddler will enjoy.

Enough about me. I want to know more about your baby:

-Would you say your baby is prone to the power of suggestion (i.e. hypnosis, brainwashing, psychopharmaceuticals, etc.)?
-How would you rate your baby’s muscle mass on a scale of Urkel to Fabio?
-How would you rate your baby’s reflexes on a scale of starfish to star-nosed mole?
-Is your baby allergic to any PEDs (performance enhancing drugs)?
-How is your baby’s swordsmanship?

Talk to you soon!

Ned

No Ned. I am not interested in your services at all.

Bye,

Suzie

Mother Suzie,

Don’t be so impatient you big baby. Mark is back from his weekend and says he is working on a reference. I’ll have him send it over shortly.

Ned

No please don’t give him or anyone my contact info. Stop writing me!

lady with da baby,

you made a great choice hiring my best bud ned. he is the shizzzle to my nizzle. basically this is the best guy. i was cot one time in bangkok on some minor technicallity about like the age of consent or whatever and ned send over his mom’s welfare check to bail me out. i can’t go back to the b2k again but it was worth it

i hope that’s a good reference for ned. ned is so excited about this opportunity. he’s been runnin around like a chickin with its head cut off. fyi, he actually showed me this once…it’s overhyped.

anyway, i just got back from a great weekend at my cabin with this cutie named Amy. she’s still tied down and busy at the cabin so im heading back up there now for some more action. ill fill you in on some deets when i get back.

mark….out,

~ mark sennis

Mr. Sennis:

I already told your friend Ned I’m not interested in his services!! I don’t want to hear about you or your creepy weekend with some girl!

Do NOT write me again!

Suzie

sistah suzee,

as a fellow parent several times over i know you are worried about ned being your baby’s sitter but i promise you he’s the best guy.

also, since you alreddy have a baby maybe you wouldnt mind adding anotehr one to your repetoire. i’ve got a great one available for you coming in a few months from Amy.

the baby will probly be really smart. im a high school teacher so im pretty smart. Amy is smart for a girl too. she got an A+ in phys ed. also, the baby will probably be a great athlete too since i teach phys ed.

let me know if you want to adopt it as all my child support is gettin pretty pricee. i’m selling tot he highest bidder but clearly since you’ve got sum experience babying, i’d give it to you for $1500… (obvi keep this on the down low, and i’ll throw in a carton of cigs)

take it or leave it. the choice is yours suze.

~ mark sennis

You and Ned are really creeping me out. You’d better stop contacting me immediately! Tell Ned too!!

10-4.

~ mark

Hi Suzie!

Still waiting to hear from you! I was just oh so glad to hear from Mark that you two came to an agreement. I’m super duper excited to take on this opportunity!

Ned

This is the last time I respond to you or Mark. Last warning. I mean it. LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Suzie

Suzie,

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you aren’t interested in my services right now. I’m good at reading people (including babies!) and I just get that impression. I’ll wait to hear from you again…

Until next time,

Ned

This is for a Dewalt 18V power saw as good as new (opened but never used) Yours for $100. Great for home projects.

Negotiation Strategy:
My plan here was to invoke sympathy so I could get the saw for a better price. I was buying this saw for my “little brother”. He’s this poor kid I hung out with and mentored for community service related to a hunting infraction. Turns out the kid taught me a lesson: while gangs are really cool, some people are just too cool to join them.

Hi there,

I am very interested in buying the saw for my little brother. Do you offer discounts for poor children or accept food stamps?

Ned Wingfield

its not like i have a policy or something on discounts cause im just selling my saw. i dont accept foodstamps. how much can you afford to spend?

Ron,

You should consider enacting a policy to provide clearer guidance in such situations. I want to buy the saw for my little brother. Do you know what that is Ron?

Let me tell you. It’s basically a poor kid (usually a minority) who’s dad got shot or something so they take role models (like me) and the role model teaches the poor kid about life and stuff.

I’m going to tell you a bit about my little brother so you consider giving him a break on the saw. His name is Jerome or Jamal or something. Actually that’s basically all I know about his past. So instead, let me tell you about all the fun we have together.

Last week I drove him and his rowdy friends around to a bunch of convenience stores that were giving out free cash. We drove so fast! It was so much fun! After the convenience stores we met these guys in an alley and they sold my lil’ bro and his friends a huge bag of sugar in exchange for the money they got from the store. Those kids love sugar! lol they even put it in their nose. ROFL, crazy kids!!

So, as you can see, Jerome/Jamal is a good kid and just loves to have fun. He wants the saw to prep for a ‘job’ next week. Maybe he is interested in construction or something?

Anyway, he told me to make sure the saw can cut through a shotgun barrel. I guess that’s how they measure saw strength in the construction biz. I just want to make sure he gets the job done right so he can buy more sugar or whatever!

Thanks for your generosity Ron! Oh, also, is the saw red? Jerome/Jamal only wears red clothing all the time. He says the saw definitely cannot be blue or else he and his friends won’t use it.

Ned

sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that kid is most likely involved in illegal activity since it seems like he is holding up stores and buying drugs. it would be a bad idea to give him the saw if he is going to use it to saw off a shotgun.

Ron,

I see you’re trying to resist my request for a price deduction. Very savvy move, if not a tad racist. But Ron, if he were a criminal, why would he destroy his shotgun by sawing it?

Answer that Sherlock…

Ned

i dont know why but i know criminals do that for some reason. probably so the gun is smaller or something. anyway i think i should not sell it to you in case he uses it in a crime. sorry.

Ron,

I just realized something. You are definitely right. I think he is in a gang of criminals! This one time I heard him on his phone talking about gunning down a gang. Naturally, I assumed he meant a gang of elk (that’s the proper terminology for a herd of elk) and so I let him borrow my compound bow. I guess that wasn’t elk blood then! Also, I just realized, he probably stole the money from that store to buy all that sugar in the alley!

This is so cool!!! What should we do Ron?! Do you think they will let us join!?

OMG OMG I am soooo gang material. You should come check out my weapon arsenal and we can start planning how to join! Will you bring your saw over? We can either use it to modify our weapons to gang standards or you can just use it as a weapon itself. Your gang name can be “Power Saw Ron” and mine will be “KiLLA Ned” since that’s already my DJ name.

Let me know if you want to set up a gangbang (I think that’s the gang term for meeting).

Ned

thats not what gang bang means and no thanks. you sound like an idiot ned. joining a gang is a dumb idea. do whatever you want but count me out

Power Saw Ron,

It seems to me you are passing on a great opportunity. I confronted Henry (apparently that was his name) and he admitted that he’s a gang member. It’s so exclusive that he said I can’t join unless I pay a $5000 admission fee. I already sold my mom’s dialysis machine to get the cash so next time I see you I will be a full fledged gang member!

Sure you don’t want to come gangbang?

KiLLA Ned

Ya im sure i dont. you dont have to keep me informed. bye, thanks

Power Saw Ron,

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! DEFCON 1 ALERT!!!! DO NOT JOIN THE GANG POWER SAW RON!!!

I gave Henry the $5000 and he said the gang would meet me that night at an abandoned warehouse. It seemed like a good idea, right?

Well, I went and they tried to beat me up and mug me. I obviously escaped with ease due to my elusive nature. I gave them my wallet as a decoy (jokes on them I have no more money!) and then waited for an ambulance after pretending they hurt me. Obviously they were no match for Ned Wingfield.

I have to admit, I’m pretty shocked they didn’t let me join the gang once I showed them my “I ♥ Gangbangs with Henry” homemade henna tattoo.

Oh. Not a big deal or anything, but just before I decided not to join the gang I gave Henry your name and e-mail address so he could get in touch with you about your membership fee.

Anyway Power Saw Ron, I’m writing you from the hospital. I’m in here on an unrelated matter. Do you think you could pick me up in 4-6 weeks?

Thanks,

KiLLA Ned

Power Saw Ron,

Ok, just so you know I checked into the hospital as “Ned Wingfield”, not “KiLLA Ned”. Just wanted to clear up any confusion. I’m in the gunshot trauma ward in case you want to swing by with some cupcakes or party sandwiches or whatever (maybe a heavily discounted saw?).

KiLLA Ned

Tis’ the season of giving. Obviously, the goal is to get people to give you more than you give to them. My plan is to take advantage of my pathetic legion of fans that reads my blog everyday. Those suckers have been getting free advanced negotiation training from me. Now it’s time to cash in big time off of those losers. I figured this stolen merchandise might do the trick.

Dear Loyal Fans.

I am raising money to finance my brewery, to finance my denture business, so that I can refinance my brewery. So to capitalize on my negotiation prowess, I have created some memorabilia based on your feedback and suggestions. Feel free to suggest some more! If you send an idea or an image that I use then I’ll send you a thank you note. I don’t do referrals (that’s what she said, LOL).

Remember, this is the season of giving so make sure to give from your heart. If you are looking for the perfect gift, look no further. This store is the real deal. No offense, but these shirts are pretty rad…

Happy Holidays! (i.e. Merry Christmas)

Love you all, you’re the best!

Ned

PS – You can customize shirt colors, styles, etc. There are options for men/women/boys/girls and more. Price will go up and down accordingly.

Kelly the Koala

My favorite stuffed animal!

nedwingfield

$21.95

Evil Bird Plan

Birds!

nedwingfield

$30.95

N.W.F.

Ned Wingfield Fund... a really good cause

nedwingfield

$29.95

Think of the Children

Children are the future. Let's cherish them!

nedwingfield

$28.45

Battle of the Bands

Awesome team hat for TNWE

nedwingfield

$14.95

DJ KiLLA

Is everybody ready TOGO party? KENYA dig it, cuz its GHANA be epic! Holla at all DJ KiLLA fans! Buy this shirt yo!

nedwingfield

$30.95

Mark Sennis - Physical Education

Mark insisted that he get his own shirt on my store.

nedwingfield

$19.60

Pet Clothing

A nice Pink shirt I made for Llyod

nedwingfield

$19.85

Umbrella Affair

I should have known...

nedwingfield

$23.45

The Ned Wingfield Experience Hat

I found this hat at a flea market in Albania. I guess TNWE has finally gone global! It was really convenient I found it since I lost a hat that looked just like it earlier that week in the flea market. Anyway, it's up for sale now...

nedwingfield

$25.00

TNWE

Very tough photoshoot!

nedwingfield

$25.95

The Ned Wingfield Experience

This shirt contains the first known image of The Ned Wingfield Experience. Try to match up the silhouettes to those in 'High School Band'. Check out the post at http://nedwingfield.com/2009/08/high-school-band-8/

nedwingfield

$21.85

Volunteer with seniors by playing bingo!

We need volunteers to help our residents at an assisted living facility to play bingo. There are a few games a week and you can come for all or just one. The games are Tuesday from 6:30-8, Thursday from 6:30-8 and Sunday from 6:30-8.

We need people to help hand out cards, call out numbers and help individual residents fill out their cards.

We will sign forms for students, etc. who need volunteer hours. Please contact: reception@*********.org.

Negotiation Strategy:
As the seasons change, I change up my home museum of taxidermied animals I’ve personally killed. In preparation for winter, I’m getting rid of a lot of warmer climate animals and while I can incinerate most of the remains, it’s tough to get rid of bones/teeth. So, since I always say “when life hands you a lemon, take advantage of the elderly and profit accordingly”, I had just the plan.

My plan is to sell dentures made with actual animal teeth. After all, animal-human hybrids are the future. Old people are the past (and the elderly are notoriously easy targets). When you combine the future and the past you get the present. And everybody loves presents…

Hi there,

I saw your ad and think this bingo thing could be a great opportunity for both of us. I don’t volunteer my time unless judicially mandated, but I am willing to sponsor you. I have access to a printing press and I’d love to print off the bingo cards for you so you can save on expenses. I would be willing to do this for you FOR FREE if you just let me do a little advertising on the back of the card. I would even be gracious enough to support this wonderful cause by providing some great prizes for the bingo winners.

Let me know if you are interested.

Sincerely,

Ned Wingfield

President
Anima-dent, a division of Ned Wingfield Enterprises

Hello Ned,

Thanks for contacting us. We have a pretty big supply of bingo cards actually but we could probably use more in the future. We can always use more prizes as well so thanks for your generous offer. What sort of prizes could you provide? Bear in mind that they should be useful/appropriate for elderly patients.

Also, what do you want to advertise?

Thanks,

Janine ******

reception@*********.org
P:***-***-****
F:***-***-****

Janine,

In terms of prizes, I have an arsenal of weaponized canes that either have a hidden needle for injecting things or have a retractable knife hidden in the shaft. I’m sure they would work well as mere walking canes too. Or, if they prefer a faster way to get around the facility I have some spare roller-skates.

Here’s a proposed ad for the back of the bingo card:

“Are you really old and have nothing left in the world except bingo? Do you have nothing to look forward to other than your next meal? Don’t you want to tear into a juicy steak with some fangs? Now, with Anima-dent, you can pop in your wolf-fang dentures and tear a steak to shreds in no time. 5 out of 5 veterinarian-dentists said that wolf teeth are superior to human teeth for tearing through flesh!”

In case the ad isn’t clear, we use actual animal teeth to make dentures. The animals are not harmed at all in the process since they are already dead from my compound bow. We have many different species depending on what the user wants to eat. Obviously this would vastly improve the quality of life of your patients and this is the sole reason I entered this business.

By the way, to make the advertising process more interactive, I would ask that winners yell “Anima-dent” instead of “Bingo” when they win. Also, I know it’s not a big deal, but I’d appreciate it if you renamed the activity just for consistency. Old people can get confused pretty easily so hopefully this will help.

Let me know when you want the first shipment of cards and prizes.

Ned

I hope this isn’t a real business you are trying to start because it’s a ridiculous idea.

Janine ******

reception@*********.org
P:***-***-****
F:***-***-****

Janine,

I demand to speak to the highest ranking male at your facility. Please forward this e-mail to him and DO NOT READ IT.

Ned

.

.

.

.

.

Dear Sir,

I regret to inform you that you have a cancer within your organization. A cancer named Janine. And she’s malignant…

Sir, I generously offered to donate my time and resources to your facility and all I wanted in return was some free advertising for my target audience. She told me my idea was ‘ridiculous’!!!

Since you run a home for old people, you are probably looking for a way to cash out and do something fun and less gross. I have just the opportunity and I’m willing to go 75/25 with you if you come on board.

If you read the correspondence below, I explained to Janine that the business is selling animal dentures to the elderly. I have a large supply of full animal jaws and have patented a process for turning them into dentures (patent pending). Together, we will convince your patients to buy the dentures. It obviously shouldn’t be too hard since we can take advantage of their dementia, as I’m sure you regularly do. In fact, I think it will be just like taking candy from a baby (I’ve actually done this – way easier than it sounds).

Let me know if you are interested in such a venture. Obviously I would remain president of “Anima-Dent” but you can have a prestigious position like VP of Incisors. If things go well, I see a promotion to VP of Fangs in your future.

Also, as a condition of our partnership you obviously will have to fire Janine without notice in a public setting and refuse to provide her with any references for future employment.

Sincerely,

Ned Wingfield

President
Anima-dent, a division of Ned Wingfield Enterprises

I hope you’re joking ned or else you are seriously deranged. We do not want any relationship with you.

Janine ******

reception@*********.org
P:***-***-****
F:***-***-****

Whoa Janine!

Listen bitch, I’m not looking for a relationship with you either!

Just a casual bingo sponsorship. Let’s keep this strictly professional.  I’m not sure what signs I’ve given you to make you think that I’m interested but I am DEFINITELY not. lol! No offense.

That said, I could probably set you up with a wonderful guy with low standards. I run a premium matchmaking business. Are you interested?

Anyway, I see you peeked at my e-mail to your superior. Tsk, tsk…Obviously you are jealous that I didn’t offer to cut you into the business. So, you can be my assistant and draw a 5% cut (sigh). In the future, don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Feel free to talk to Kelly, my stuffed koala, about this one.

Your responsibilities will include polishing my compound bow and helping me produce the cleaning solution for the dentures. The cleaning solution will contain nicotine so that when the dentures make small cuts in the elderly people’s already weak gums, they will become addicted to the nicotine that seeps into their bloodstream. This way they will use our dentures and our cleaning solution even more.

Clever idea, huh?

Ned

Selling 7 old boardgames for $60. Need cash to buy new ps3 game!

Negotiation Strategy:
Negotiation is all about mind games. I knew that this seller had gaming experience and would bring the intensity so I had to go retro and use a classic Monopoly strategy. I needed to take a bit away from each of his properties so that he wouldn’t have monopolies. Then, while he’s struggling for cash and and can’t sell his devalued products to my competitors, I’d go back and offer him a small amount for the rest.

Hi There!

Do you have an original and working Jumanji or Zathura board?

I’m mostly interested in Jumanji because I am seeking to forge an alliance with a giant mosquito.

Ned Wingfield

Nope, just Risk, Monopoly, Operation, Life, and a few others. They are all original.

Tristan, that’s perfect!

I think this could be a strong strategic board-game alliance.

You are looking to sell and I am looking to buy. Specifically, I am looking to create my own board-game called “Ned’s Risky Life of Monopolies and Operations (NRLMO) ®.” I’ve already patented this so don’t try anything funny (patent pending).

Essentially, it would be my version of a board game. (ie. the most powerful one and also the first one to come out of the closet on a rainy Sunday afternoon.)

I am interested in buying from you because you seem like a good kid. I’ll take the board from monopoly, the pieces from risk, the cards from life, and the nose from operation.

Alright Tristan, so you want $60 for 7 games = $8.57/game

Obviously, since I’m only buying one game, $8.57 sounds good. But wait Tristan, I’m a nice guy and I’d be willing to pay $9.00 for NRLMO (so long as you cover shipping and handling, tax, and tip.)

Ned

PS – I don’t trust the major delivery companies. Fortunately my buddy Mark runs his own postal service (Ped-ex) and has very competitive rates. Please confirm you are okay with the aforementioned transaction and I will provide you with my address.

no thanks ned, your offer is ridic

Listen son, nobody is going to be interested in your dusty old BORED games. Who would want to buy something called “Risk”? You obviously know nothing about negotiation. No offense.

You need to join the 21st century and start playing some technologically advanced games. Come on Tristan, let’s close this deal!

Ned

Yea, idiot, thats why I’m trying to get some cash. Modern Warfare 2 just came out. do you have any idea how much people would pay for any one of these board game classics in their original packaging? This isn’t a bad deal

Yep. I do kid. A quick survey on ebay suggests between $20-$25 per game. Any other brain busters Sherlock?

Ned

wtf, stop contacting me dumbass.

Fine, is $60 still okay with you?

Ned

Yep, that sounds good. I prefer cash and using ***** to ship. cool?

Haha, jokes on you. I just asked if YOU were okay with $60. I didn’t say I was!!

My offer of $9 stands. Or, I’ll let you roll a die and I’ll pay you the amount x1.

Ned

**** you, ur a dick, fml

Look Tristan, board games are for the weak. Real men play the real thing.

I’ve got some spare female moose cadavers if you’re up for a man’s game of Operation.
Or, how about we play a game of Monopoly, real money obviously (not that wussy paper stuff.)

Anyway, I just bought Modern Warfare 2 off of your advice. This game is incredible. It’s like I’m reliving my past! It’s without a doubt the best board-game I own!

Mark and I are playing ‘multiplayer’ online! The graphics are amazing!!! What’s your screen name, let’s play together. I would really enjoy fragging your pathetic board-game butt.

Good luck selling your worthless cardboard.

Ned