Gang Saw (12)

By Ned on December 14th, 2009

Original Internet Ad:
Power Saw (good as new)

This is for a Dewalt 18V power saw as good as new (opened but never used) Yours for $100. Great for home projects.

Negotiation Strategy:
My plan here was to invoke sympathy so I could get the saw for a better price. I was buying this saw for my “little brother”. He’s this poor kid I hung out with and mentored for community service related to a hunting infraction. Turns out the kid taught me a lesson: while gangs are really cool, some people are just too cool to join them.

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From Me to **************@*********.org

11/29/2009 @ 9:49AM

Hi there,

I am very interested in buying the saw for my little brother. Do you offer discounts for poor children or accept food stamps?

Ned Wingfield

From Ron **************** to Me

12/01/2009 @ 1:54PM

its not like i have a policy or something on discounts cause im just selling my saw. i dont accept foodstamps. how much can you afford to spend?

From Me to Ron ****************

12/01/2009 @ 3:03PM

Ron,

You should consider enacting a policy to provide clearer guidance in such situations. I want to buy the saw for my little brother. Do you know what that is Ron?

Let me tell you. It’s basically a poor kid (usually a minority) who’s dad got shot or something so they take role models (like me) and the role model teaches the poor kid about life and stuff.

I’m going to tell you a bit about my little brother so you consider giving him a break on the saw. His name is Jerome or Jamal or something. Actually that’s basically all I know about his past. So instead, let me tell you about all the fun we have together.

Last week I drove him and his rowdy friends around to a bunch of convenience stores that were giving out free cash. We drove so fast! It was so much fun! After the convenience stores we met these guys in an alley and they sold my lil’ bro and his friends a huge bag of sugar in exchange for the money they got from the store. Those kids love sugar! lol they even put it in their nose. ROFL, crazy kids!!

So, as you can see, Jerome/Jamal is a good kid and just loves to have fun. He wants the saw to prep for a ‘job’ next week. Maybe he is interested in construction or something?

Anyway, he told me to make sure the saw can cut through a shotgun barrel. I guess that’s how they measure saw strength in the construction biz. I just want to make sure he gets the job done right so he can buy more sugar or whatever!

Thanks for your generosity Ron! Oh, also, is the saw red? Jerome/Jamal only wears red clothing all the time. He says the saw definitely cannot be blue or else he and his friends won’t use it.

Ned

From Ron **************** to Me

12/02/2009 @ 1:41PM

sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that kid is most likely involved in illegal activity since it seems like he is holding up stores and buying drugs. it would be a bad idea to give him the saw if he is going to use it to saw off a shotgun.

From Me to Ron ****************

12/03/2009 @ 12:31PM

Ron,

I see you’re trying to resist my request for a price deduction. Very savvy move, if not a tad racist. But Ron, if he were a criminal, why would he destroy his shotgun by sawing it?

Answer that Sherlock…

Ned

From Ron **************** to Me

12/03/2009 @ 3:56PM

i dont know why but i know criminals do that for some reason. probably so the gun is smaller or something. anyway i think i should not sell it to you in case he uses it in a crime. sorry.

From Me to Ron ****************

12/05/2009 @ 6:09PM

Ron,

I just realized something. You are definitely right. I think he is in a gang of criminals! This one time I heard him on his phone talking about gunning down a gang. Naturally, I assumed he meant a gang of elk (that’s the proper terminology for a herd of elk) and so I let him borrow my compound bow. I guess that wasn’t elk blood then! Also, I just realized, he probably stole the money from that store to buy all that sugar in the alley!

This is so cool!!! What should we do Ron?! Do you think they will let us join!?

OMG OMG I am soooo gang material. You should come check out my weapon arsenal and we can start planning how to join! Will you bring your saw over? We can either use it to modify our weapons to gang standards or you can just use it as a weapon itself. Your gang name can be “Power Saw Ron” and mine will be “KiLLA Ned” since that’s already my DJ name.

Let me know if you want to set up a gangbang (I think that’s the gang term for meeting).

Ned

From Ron **************** to Me

12/06/2009 @ 12:40PM

thats not what gang bang means and no thanks. you sound like an idiot ned. joining a gang is a dumb idea. do whatever you want but count me out

From Me to Ron ****************

12/06/2009 @ 4:12PM

Power Saw Ron,

It seems to me you are passing on a great opportunity. I confronted Henry (apparently that was his name) and he admitted that he’s a gang member. It’s so exclusive that he said I can’t join unless I pay a $5000 admission fee. I already sold my mom’s dialysis machine to get the cash so next time I see you I will be a full fledged gang member!

Sure you don’t want to come gangbang?

KiLLA Ned

From Ron **************** to Me

12/08/2009 @ 1:31PM

Ya im sure i dont. you dont have to keep me informed. bye, thanks

From Me to Ron ****************

12/10/2009 @ 5:22PM

Power Saw Ron,

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! DEFCON 1 ALERT!!!! DO NOT JOIN THE GANG POWER SAW RON!!!

I gave Henry the $5000 and he said the gang would meet me that night at an abandoned warehouse. It seemed like a good idea, right?

Well, I went and they tried to beat me up and mug me. I obviously escaped with ease due to my elusive nature. I gave them my wallet as a decoy (jokes on them I have no more money!) and then waited for an ambulance after pretending they hurt me. Obviously they were no match for Ned Wingfield.

I have to admit, I’m pretty shocked they didn’t let me join the gang once I showed them my “I ♥ Gangbangs with Henry” homemade henna tattoo.

Oh. Not a big deal or anything, but just before I decided not to join the gang I gave Henry your name and e-mail address so he could get in touch with you about your membership fee.

Anyway Power Saw Ron, I’m writing you from the hospital. I’m in here on an unrelated matter. Do you think you could pick me up in 4-6 weeks?

Thanks,

KiLLA Ned

From Me to Ron ****************

12/10/2009 @ 5:41PM

Power Saw Ron,

Ok, just so you know I checked into the hospital as “Ned Wingfield”, not “KiLLA Ned”. Just wanted to clear up any confusion. I’m in the gunshot trauma ward in case you want to swing by with some cupcakes or party sandwiches or whatever (maybe a heavily discounted saw?).

KiLLA Ned

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