Denture Venture (7)

By Ned on December 7th, 2009

Original Posting:

Volunteer with seniors by playing bingo!

We need volunteers to help our residents at an assisted living facility to play bingo. There are a few games a week and you can come for all or just one. The games are Tuesday from 6:30-8, Thursday from 6:30-8 and Sunday from 6:30-8.

We need people to help hand out cards, call out numbers and help individual residents fill out their cards.

We will sign forms for students, etc. who need volunteer hours. Please contact: reception@*********.org.

Negotiation Strategy:
As the seasons change, I change up my home museum of taxidermied animals I’ve personally killed. In preparation for winter, I’m getting rid of a lot of warmer climate animals and while I can incinerate most of the remains, it’s tough to get rid of bones/teeth. So, since I always say “when life hands you a lemon, take advantage of the elderly and profit accordingly”, I had just the plan.

My plan is to sell dentures made with actual animal teeth. After all, animal-human hybrids are the future. Old people are the past (and the elderly are notoriously easy targets). When you combine the future and the past you get the present. And everybody loves presents…

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From Me to reception@*********.org

11/27/2009 @ 8:42PM

Hi there,

I saw your ad and think this bingo thing could be a great opportunity for both of us. I don’t volunteer my time unless judicially mandated, but I am willing to sponsor you. I have access to a printing press and I’d love to print off the bingo cards for you so you can save on expenses. I would be willing to do this for you FOR FREE if you just let me do a little advertising on the back of the card. I would even be gracious enough to support this wonderful cause by providing some great prizes for the bingo winners.

Let me know if you are interested.

Sincerely,

Ned Wingfield

President
Anima-dent, a division of Ned Wingfield Enterprises

From Janine ****** to Me

11/30/2009 @ 11:51AM

Hello Ned,

Thanks for contacting us. We have a pretty big supply of bingo cards actually but we could probably use more in the future. We can always use more prizes as well so thanks for your generous offer. What sort of prizes could you provide? Bear in mind that they should be useful/appropriate for elderly patients.

Also, what do you want to advertise?

Thanks,

Janine ******

reception@*********.org
P:***-***-****
F:***-***-****

From Me to Janine ******

11/30/2009 @ 5:04PM

Janine,

In terms of prizes, I have an arsenal of weaponized canes that either have a hidden needle for injecting things or have a retractable knife hidden in the shaft. I’m sure they would work well as mere walking canes too. Or, if they prefer a faster way to get around the facility I have some spare roller-skates.

Here’s a proposed ad for the back of the bingo card:

“Are you really old and have nothing left in the world except bingo? Do you have nothing to look forward to other than your next meal? Don’t you want to tear into a juicy steak with some fangs? Now, with Anima-dent, you can pop in your wolf-fang dentures and tear a steak to shreds in no time. 5 out of 5 veterinarian-dentists said that wolf teeth are superior to human teeth for tearing through flesh!”

In case the ad isn’t clear, we use actual animal teeth to make dentures. The animals are not harmed at all in the process since they are already dead from my compound bow. We have many different species depending on what the user wants to eat. Obviously this would vastly improve the quality of life of your patients and this is the sole reason I entered this business.

By the way, to make the advertising process more interactive, I would ask that winners yell “Anima-dent” instead of “Bingo” when they win. Also, I know it’s not a big deal, but I’d appreciate it if you renamed the activity just for consistency. Old people can get confused pretty easily so hopefully this will help.

Let me know when you want the first shipment of cards and prizes.

Ned

From Janine ****** to Me

12/01/2009 @ 9:36AM

I hope this isn’t a real business you are trying to start because it’s a ridiculous idea.

Janine ******

reception@*********.org
P:***-***-****
F:***-***-****

From Me to Janine ******

12/01/2009 @ 6:29PM

Janine,

I demand to speak to the highest ranking male at your facility. Please forward this e-mail to him and DO NOT READ IT.

Ned

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Dear Sir,

I regret to inform you that you have a cancer within your organization. A cancer named Janine. And she’s malignant…

Sir, I generously offered to donate my time and resources to your facility and all I wanted in return was some free advertising for my target audience. She told me my idea was ‘ridiculous’!!!

Since you run a home for old people, you are probably looking for a way to cash out and do something fun and less gross. I have just the opportunity and I’m willing to go 75/25 with you if you come on board.

If you read the correspondence below, I explained to Janine that the business is selling animal dentures to the elderly. I have a large supply of full animal jaws and have patented a process for turning them into dentures (patent pending). Together, we will convince your patients to buy the dentures. It obviously shouldn’t be too hard since we can take advantage of their dementia, as I’m sure you regularly do. In fact, I think it will be just like taking candy from a baby (I’ve actually done this – way easier than it sounds).

Let me know if you are interested in such a venture. Obviously I would remain president of “Anima-Dent” but you can have a prestigious position like VP of Incisors. If things go well, I see a promotion to VP of Fangs in your future.

Also, as a condition of our partnership you obviously will have to fire Janine without notice in a public setting and refuse to provide her with any references for future employment.

Sincerely,

Ned Wingfield

President
Anima-dent, a division of Ned Wingfield Enterprises

From Janine ****** to Me

12/02/2009 @ 9:50AM

I hope you’re joking ned or else you are seriously deranged. We do not want any relationship with you.

Janine ******

reception@*********.org
P:***-***-****
F:***-***-****

From Me to Janine ******

12/02/2009 @ 3:43PM

Whoa Janine!

Listen bitch, I’m not looking for a relationship with you either!

Just a casual bingo sponsorship. Let’s keep this strictly professional.  I’m not sure what signs I’ve given you to make you think that I’m interested but I am DEFINITELY not. lol! No offense.

That said, I could probably set you up with a wonderful guy with low standards. I run a premium matchmaking business. Are you interested?

Anyway, I see you peeked at my e-mail to your superior. Tsk, tsk…Obviously you are jealous that I didn’t offer to cut you into the business. So, you can be my assistant and draw a 5% cut (sigh). In the future, don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Feel free to talk to Kelly, my stuffed koala, about this one.

Your responsibilities will include polishing my compound bow and helping me produce the cleaning solution for the dentures. The cleaning solution will contain nicotine so that when the dentures make small cuts in the elderly people’s already weak gums, they will become addicted to the nicotine that seeps into their bloodstream. This way they will use our dentures and our cleaning solution even more.

Clever idea, huh?

Ned

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