Babysitter (16)
By Ned on December 21st, 2009Original Posting:
Part-time babysitter needed
I’m looking for a babysitter to watch my baby while I work part-time 3 days a week. During those days you will work from 8-7 so you must be able to commit and be punctual every day. I want somebody with plenty of experience with kids and who has references to back this up. Please tell me about yourself in your reply.
Price is negotiable but I am willing to pay ‘above market’ for a qualified and enthusiastic individual
Negotiation Strategy:
Since I lack an heir to the Wingfield name and eventual fortune, I’ve decided to begin training children that are not mine. I will mold them (aka brainwash them) into even better versions of me, the celebrity blogger, the one and only Ned Wingfield (if that’s even possible) and eventually there will be a whole army of Ned’s to do my bidding in about 20 years when it’s time for the uprising. Straight up, my plan here was to impress the seller with my wealth of experience and amazing references so it was impossible to say no. SPOILER ALERT: she said no…
| . |
| From Me to **************@*********.org |
12/05/2009 @ 11:09AM
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Hi there,
I am a qualified baby sitter (though I prefer the term ‘infant professional’) with references available. Let me know how I can start working with your baby.
Ned Wingfield
| From Suzie **************** to Me |
12/07/2009 @ 1:44PM
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Hello Ned:
Thanks for contacting me. Tell me a little about your experience and what makes you qualified to look after my son.
Also, please let me know who I can contact for a reference (phone number please).
Thank you,
Suzie
| From Me to Suzie **************** |
12/08/2009 @ 11:31AM
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Mother Suzie,
Congratulations on birthing a boy. What a feat! I remember when I was born and it was quite impressive.
You asked me for 3 things: experience, qualifications and a reference. I’ll provide those in order (but to go out of order for just a moment, one of my qualifications is my excellent ability to do things in order).
My Experience:
One time, when I was a kid, I was hunting with my dad. He ran off chasing a cougar and I was left behind in the woods. I managed to survive for 3 days by joining a pack of raccoons. They took me in as one of their own. I have the scars to prove it! They are just like the raccoon version of initiation tattoos, though I did have some rabies issues for a little while. But, we got the cougar and it’s still in my living room to this day!
Let me know if you want more experience. I have countless experiences (at least 3 more!) of this nature.
My Qualifications:
-Self-taught in CPR
-Aware of First Aid
-Excellent at inducing vomiting
-World record holder (unofficial) for number of babies fit inside a kitchen microwave
-Master of disguise
-Level 80 Mage in online WOW
-I have trained myself to lactate = unlimited supply of baby food.
My Reference:
Mark Sennis, my reference, is unavailable right now. He’s gone on a weekend retreat to his cabin with his girlfriend. But here are some reference quotes he has provided me in relation to other endeavors.
“DJ KiLLA Ned is the shizzle. Make sure you request the flash grenade package!”
- Mark Sennis
“Wizard Ned is an unbelievable magician. One time I saw him put a nail through some guy’s hand and it even looked like there was real blood and a real ambulance. What an illusion!”
- Mark Sennis
Ok Suzie, I look forward to hearing from you soon. We can start negotiating payment whenever you’re ready!
Ned
| From Suzie **************** to Me |
12/08/2009 @ 2:10PM
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Ned:
I hope most of that was a bad joke. Anyways I want a babysitter who has experience with kids, not some guy who plays with flash grenades.
I’m going to pass.
Suzie
| From Me to Suzie **************** |
12/09/2009 @ 3:58PM
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Mother Suze,
Caught your pass. LOL. You have a great arm for a girl. hahaha
K, sorry about not understanding you earlier. Sometimes it’s really hard to understand what women are saying. No offense. Here is what you asked for…
My experience with kids:
I once almost coached a little league team with my buddy Mark. I offer swimming lessons in my backyard. I frequently spar with kids of all ages at my home sparring arena. I am a self-certified fire breather aka a “flamer” (I guess that’s not baby related but I like to brag).
Also, a couple years ago, I watched an entire episode of Kids Say The Darnedest Things (though I should warn you that if your child says anything darned, there will be consequences). I once raised a clutch of baby otters and then harvested their fur and meat.
Oooh, and I’ve seen the Babysitter’s Club movie at least 2 times (I fell asleep halfway through the second time when my Nyquil kicked in but it kept playing so that counts).
Best of all, I have a huge stuffed animal collection that your baby will love. I can catch, kill and stuff any animal you think your little toddler will enjoy.
Enough about me. I want to know more about your baby:
-Would you say your baby is prone to the power of suggestion (i.e. hypnosis, brainwashing, psychopharmaceuticals, etc.)?
-How would you rate your baby’s muscle mass on a scale of Urkel to Fabio?
-How would you rate your baby’s reflexes on a scale of starfish to star-nosed mole?
-Is your baby allergic to any PEDs (performance enhancing drugs)?
-How is your baby’s swordsmanship?
Talk to you soon!
Ned
| From Suzie **************** to Me |
12/11/2009 @ 4:06PM
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No Ned. I am not interested in your services at all.
Bye,
Suzie
| From Me to Suzie **************** |
12/11/2009 @ 5:16PM
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Mother Suzie,
Don’t be so impatient you big baby. Mark is back from his weekend and says he is working on a reference. I’ll have him send it over shortly.
Ned
| From Suzie **************** to Me |
12/11/2009 @ 5:44PM
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No please don’t give him or anyone my contact info. Stop writing me!
| From Mark to Suzie **************** |
12/12/2009 @ 11:37AM
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lady with da baby,
you made a great choice hiring my best bud ned. he is the shizzzle to my nizzle. basically this is the best guy. i was cot one time in bangkok on some minor technicallity about like the age of consent or whatever and ned send over his mom’s welfare check to bail me out. i can’t go back to the b2k again but it was worth it 
i hope that’s a good reference for ned. ned is so excited about this opportunity. he’s been runnin around like a chickin with its head cut off. fyi, he actually showed me this once…it’s overhyped.
anyway, i just got back from a great weekend at my cabin with this cutie named Amy. she’s still tied down and busy at the cabin so im heading back up there now for some more action. ill fill you in on some deets when i get back.
mark….out,
~ mark sennis
| From Suzie to Mark **************** |
12/12/2009 @ 2:51PM
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Mr. Sennis:
I already told your friend Ned I’m not interested in his services!! I don’t want to hear about you or your creepy weekend with some girl!
Do NOT write me again!
Suzie
| From Mark to Suzie **************** |
12/14/2009 @ 10:43AM
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sistah suzee,
as a fellow parent several times over i know you are worried about ned being your baby’s sitter but i promise you he’s the best guy.
also, since you alreddy have a baby maybe you wouldnt mind adding anotehr one to your repetoire. i’ve got a great one available for you coming in a few months from Amy.
the baby will probly be really smart. im a high school teacher so im pretty smart. Amy is smart for a girl too. she got an A+ in phys ed. also, the baby will probably be a great athlete too since i teach phys ed.
let me know if you want to adopt it as all my child support is gettin pretty pricee. i’m selling tot he highest bidder but clearly since you’ve got sum experience babying, i’d give it to you for $1500… (obvi keep this on the down low, and i’ll throw in a carton of cigs)
take it or leave it. the choice is yours suze.
~ mark sennis
| From Suzie to Mark **************** |
12/14/2009 @ 1:18PM
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You and Ned are really creeping me out. You’d better stop contacting me immediately! Tell Ned too!!
| From Mark to Suzie **************** |
12/15/2009 @ 11:36AM
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10-4.
~ mark
| From Me to Suzie **************** |
12/17/2009 @ 2:07PM
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Hi Suzie!
Still waiting to hear from you! I was just oh so glad to hear from Mark that you two came to an agreement. I’m super duper excited to take on this opportunity!
Ned
| From Suzie to Me **************** |
12/17/2009 @ 5:40PM
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This is the last time I respond to you or Mark. Last warning. I mean it. LEAVE ME ALONE!!
Suzie
| From Me to Suzie **************** |
12/18/2009 @ 11:17AM
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Suzie,
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you aren’t interested in my services right now. I’m good at reading people (including babies!) and I just get that impression. I’ll wait to hear from you again…
Until next time,
Ned
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