Prayer Group (3)

Original Posting:
REJOICE IN THE GLORY OF JESUS CHRIST

I AM THE MINISTER OF A GROWING PRAYER GROUP. WE MEET AT MY HOUSE IN ********** TO MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES WITH THE POWER OF PRAYER. JOIN US AND HELP US PRAISE THE LORD AND IMPROVE THE WORLD. PUT YOUR FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST AND YOUR WORRIES WILL DISAPPEAR!

ALL ARE WELCOME. PLEASE CALL ***-***-****

Negotiation Strategy:
My strategy here was of biblical proportions. I used lots of religious terms and pretended to be observant to endear myself to this man of God. Every negotiator needs a little ‘faith’ in themselves to close a deal. Apparently, he didn’t think his prayer group was capable of solving my problems, so he stopped writing me.

Good morning Father,

I am a devoted Christian! In fact I have been Christian since I was born. This is even longer than Jesus was Christian!

Recently I have been having some internal conflicts and I want to “make positive changes with the power of prayer.” What is the success rate of these prayers, no offense?

Anyway, how much does it cost and do you barter?

God Bless,

Ned Wingfield

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Ned’s Bible Quote of the Day:

2 Kings 2:24: “Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths”
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Dear Ned,

The gift of prayer is open to all of God’s children free of any charge. Join us! We meet every other Thursday at 7:15 AM. Call me if you want to come and I’ll give you directions. Hopefully together we can resolve whatever is troubling you.

Sincerely,

Edward
***-***-****

Father Ed,

Amen. “Free” prayer sounds like a pretty good deal but you totally sidestepped my question about the success rate. Unfortunately, you have met your match in Ned Wingfield. I’ve been sidestepping things like questions, rules and federal hunting laws for years.

Before I commit to this “free” prayer group, I want some promises. Let me tell you what troubles me and you can tell me whether your group can fix my problems.

My neighbor has been grinding my gears for eternity. This is basically a story of David and Goliath. However, in this story, I’m Goliath and David will lose (obviously my flash grenades would defeat Dave’s slingshot).

Anyway, since I am a practicing Christian, recently I have tried to live my life by the motto of “What Would Jesus Do?”. I find it’s moderately more effective than my previous phase of “What Would Michael Vick Do?”. It also looks better as a bumper sticker.

Accordingly, I have been using my crossbow recently, instead of the far superior compound bow I normally prefer. I converted my neighbor’s main source of water into wine. Actually, to cut costs, this was really cat’s blood mixed with rubbing alcohol but it looked a lot like red wine. I even resurrected myself by getting my friend Mark to tell her I died on vacation, and then surprised her in the backseat of her car. LOL!!

However, none of this has worked. She is still antagonizing me by calling the police and other ridiculous endeavors like putting barbed wire on her backyard fence. You might compare her sinning to Judas, but like at least 100 times worse. So, I want to use this prayer group to drive my neighbor away from our block. I could use some divine intervention. Kind of like how He helped David drive away the Philistines. Please let me know if you think your prayer group is up to the task.

Also, if you don’t think prayer will work, maybe the group can just come over and distract her with Christmas carols on Santa’s birthday while I sneak into her house through the side door to ‘kittynap’ her new litter.

Please help me Father!

Son, companion, and future fellow congregant: Ned

P.S. My friend Mark is interested in joining with me. He just cannot get over the fact that Jesus said that if you harm any of the little ones that it would be better for you to drown yourself in the ocean first. He doesn’t know how to swim! What should he do?

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Ned’s Bible Quote of the Day:

Deuteronomy 25:11-12: “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”
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