Matchmaker Needed (9)

Original Posting:

Matchmaker needed

I’m placing this ad for my friend. She is a busy professional who never makes enough time for dating. She’s a bit shy and doesn’t like the creepy bar scene so we want a matchmaker to try to set her up with Mr. Right. She wants someone fun, active and around her age (35). She is not looking for a random fling. She wants a lasting relationship. If you are a matchmaker and have some people that might be right for her please contact us with credentials.

Negotiation Strategy:

This negotiation is a classic example of miscommunication. I only read the title of the ad (I’m a busy guy) and so obviously I assumed Dawn wanted a supply of matches / matchsticks. Rather, she was looking for love. Once I realized what Dawn was really after, I had to improvise and creatively expand my service offering.

After some quick research, I found out that online singles tend to have lower self-confidence. I tried to play off of that and shatter her self-confidence entirely, in hopes that Dawn would be convinced that she couldn’t find a match on her own. Unfortunately, my plan to make her critically dependent on me didn’t quite pan out the way I wanted. Hope she finds who she’s looking for…Not!

Hi there,

I think I can help your “friend” find the perfect match. No offense, but I’m a professional matchmaker with over 10 years of experience. Since I’ve already made like hundreds of dollars on my other business ventures I have plenty of money. I do my matchmaking solely for the joy of setting up clients with the perfect match.

So if you’re looking for a premium, straight and most importantly hot match, you’ve come to the right firestarter. I have blacks and whites available and can look into other colors/shades if desired. Obviously, I have different sizes too depending on personal preference.

Let me know if you’re interested and I will send over a personalized questionnaire to determine your perfect match. This is something those corporate/online matchmaker companies won’t take the time to do. Stick with me and I guarantee an enduring match where sparks will fly!

Ned Wingfield

Ned Wingfield Matchmaking

I’m fine with going with a smaller company. That’s why I posted my ad on ********** after all. We want a more old-fashioned and personalized approach so I guess maybe you’re right for the job.

What is your success rate like? Do you have any testimonials from past clients or that sort of thing so we know the quality of your work?

Hi Dawn!

Well Dawn, I’ve made over 5000 matches to date. In terms of my success rate, it seems about 40% of the matches work out while the others burn out too soon. I’m looking into the problem to try to increase the rate but I haven’t had too many complaints.

I have some preliminary questions for your friend that will determine which further questions I send.

How many matches does she want?
Are you planning on using alchohol with any of your matches?
How important is safety to you?

Get back to me on these and I’ll produce a list of about 75 questions to determine the perfect match for your friend using my patented matchmaking algorithm (patent pending).

Based on personal experience, the best ones are the long-sticked ones as they tend to last the longest, but of course we will do whatever your friend wants!

Ned

5,000 matches is certainly an impressive number. And if 50% of all marriages end in divorce anyway then a 40% success rate for your matches sounds pretty good. As to how many matches I guess that all depends on what you can find. If the first one works out then my friend won’t need any others.

Safety is very important and we would like to know what your screening process is. Send us your questionnaire and we’ll be happy to fill it out. And thank you for the suggestion but I don’t think that my friend cares if he is “long sticked” ha ha.

Also, can you please send along a reference.

Dawn,

Thank you for being impressed with my excellence but your words are unneccessary. No offense, but I already know how great I am. I don’t really understand how you will use only 1 match in the future, but I only sell matches in packs of 50.

My screening proccess is very intense, thanks for asking. I strike 1 match in every 5000 to make sure they light.

I noticed you sidestepped my question about alchohol which causes me some worry with regard to your level of knowledge in the fiery arts. Alcohol and other accelerants can lead to explosive reactions (i.e. explosions) when used with matches (especially my white phosphorus models). For legal purposes I must advise you against using accelerants. But from a personal standpoint accelerants are tons of fun and a great way to dispose of feline intruders. Forget 9 lives, they barely even last 9 seconds…which sucks because it makes for a great 9 seconds.

Let me know how many matches you are thinking and I’ll send over the questionnaire soon.

By the way, sorry but I can’t write a reference letter for you just yet. I barely know you. But, if you send me a letter I’d be happy to sign it.

Ned

Okay so I think we have our wires crossed here or something. I’m pretty sure you’re talking about selling me matchsticks but I thought it was pretty clear I’m looking to set my friend up with a guy. So I want a ‘matchmaker’. That’s what you call someone who finds compatibile people to set up on dates. Anyways it was pretty confusing to tell what you were selling that so thats why I said I was interested but of course we are not anymore.

Dawn,

My apologies. I can see how you got so confused but to be honest I don’t think you’ll have much luck finding a date for your “friend” without my help. Obviously your “friend” isn’t too savvy… Also, I think it’s pretty low to pretend this is for your friend when it’s obviously for you. You are pathetic, no offense.

Since you are obviously incapable of dating on your own and have resorted to the internet for help, clearly you are pretty desperate. Again, no offense Dawn.

Thankfully, for you, I also run a “matchmaking” service as you call it. I’m sending over a flyer to you that outlines my services. That’s what she said. lolol.

Also, reconsider buying some matches too as I really do make a great product with high profit margins.

Ned

[flyer attached]

Screw you Ned. I have a boyfriend and my friend is real and she’s a catch and is not going to use your sham dating service. Get a life.

Ok, I understand you don’t want to use my sham dating service. Probably a good move. To be honest, I mostly made it up to try to drum up some business since you misled me about wanting to buy my matches.

In any case, I have a “friend” who is single and looking. He owns his own business and compound bow, is a celebrity blogger, and also a world class hunter. Let me know if your “friend” is interested.

I think they might be a perfect “match”

Ned

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