Comedy Gig (17)

By Ned on November 30th, 2009

Original Posting:

comedian needed

looking to hire a local comedian for a friends bday party. not looking to spend too much ($50 max) but if you are funny and need some work get in touch

Negotiation Strategy:
I’m a pretty funny guy. People often point and laugh with me at my hilarious antics when I go out in public. I decided it was time to start capitalizing on my innate ability to elicit the human emotion of happiness by claiming to be a comedian. Some people might deem this “fraud” but the word “fraud” isn’t in my dictionary. Though, I guess that’s because I used my dictionary to stuff a marmoset…

.

From Me to **************@*********.org

11/15/2009 @ 9:14PM

Hi there,

People are always e-mailing me and telling me I’m “hilarious” and a “comedic genius”. Big surprise. I’ve been making fun of people for years. I’d love to perform at your little party, no offense.

If you let me know soon I can start writing some custom jokes about your friend!

Ned

From Jarrod **************** to Me

11/17/2009 @ 11:28PM

hey,

so have you done stand up before? how funny are you?

jarrod

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/18/2009 @ 5:47PM

Jarrod,

I wasn’t sure how to answer your question. So, I did some free performances downtown this afternoon and got some great feedback. Apparently I’m “as funny as AIDS” and “f***ing retarded.” So I guess I’m quite funny. One guy even said “get the hell away from here, you’re driving away all my customers.” Obviously he was worried they would stay and listen to me instead of shopping at his crummy convenience store.

Also, there was some homeless guy and I couldn’t make out exactly what he said but I think it was, “You’re really funny man! You should show Jarrod your comedy show!” He loved me so much he gave me a cup full of change as payment for my jokes! He even followed me to my car and kept shouting praises at me. I think I have a new #1 fan.

Anyway, if you give me some info about your friend I can make up some jokes. Like if they are  Native American, visually impaired, or senior citizens I have tons of material. They are really easy targets for jokes and also great for scams. I have even better jokes if they’re a woman or handicapped (same thing, lollolol). Without knowing anything about your friend it’s tough to give you some examples of how I would make fun of him.

But, here’s a bunch of jokes/funny observations I just made up right now:

-What’s the deal with Virgin Olive Oil?  Are all the other olives humping? LOLL

-You ever notice how lawyers practice law. Doctors just practice medicine. You would think that eventually they would be good enough to play. ROTFLOL!

-Whats the deal with those fast food commercials?  C’mon, no one rips chicken that slowly when they eat it. Hahahah

-What’s with fat people? Why don’t they just become skinny! LOLx2

-What’s the deal with airport security?

-If it’s so important to give up something on Lent, why not just give up Lent?! @__@

-What’s the deal with hot dogs? Everyone else uses beef! (^_^) lolz

-What’s the deal with ‘jumbo shrimp’?  They taste awful! Lmao

-Why did Santa’s helpers quit their job?  They had low ‘elf-confidence’!

-How do guerilla’s fight?  Gorilla warfare!!!  (Hold for applause… 1,2,3)

Anyway, that’s just a sampling of some jokes. Don’t share them because this is A-list material. Let me know if I’m too funny. I can tone it down if you’re worried about me making your guests laugh too hard and rupturing a spleen or something (I’ve ruptured many spleens, though usually with some sort of sharpened projectile).

Ned

From Jarrod **************** to Me

11/18/2009 @ 8:32PM

haha those are bad jokes but they are actually funny in a way. i gotta admit i laft. i dont think my friends would like it tho. sorry

j

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/18/2009 @ 10:21PM

Yeah, I was just joking.  lol, those jokes are terrible. No offense.

By the way, you never answered my question about airport security?  I’m interested in getting your opinion…

I’d be happy to send you some premium (and actually funny) jokes if you want.

Ned

From Jarrod **************** to Me

11/18/2009 @ 11:49PM

glad thats not ur best stuff. send me better jokes if you still want to preform.

j

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/19/2009 @ 2:12PM

LOL Jarrod,

Ok, I’m sending you my best stuff.  Now, obviously to protect myself from you stealing my jokes, I’ve taken out the punchlines for the purpose of this e-mail.

Joke #1:  Three guys walk into a bar: a hunter, a priest, and Michael Jordan.  The hunter orders a beer and says “I’ve killed so many animals that I deserve a beer!  He then drinks his beer.  Next, the priest says, “Wow Ned, well I’ve prayed so many times that I also deserve a beer!” The priest then drinks the beer.  There is a silence and the two men look to Michael Jordan.  Finally, Michael says …

Joke #2: What do you call a zebra with only two legs? A …

Joke #3: Have any of you heard the one about the …

Also, just so that you know, my jokes each have a different price ranging from $0.99 to $1.99. It costs the same as downloading music, only I’m way funnier than music. Well, except for Phil Collins I guess.

My friend Mark will come to the performance and keep track of which ones I perform and bill accordingly. He charges $0.25 for each joke he has to check off on the bill and $0.10 per laugh (smiles count).

When is the performance?

Ned

From Jarrod **************** to Me

11/19/2009 @ 11:05PM

no thanks

j

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/20/2009 @ 10:56AM

Jarrod,

I understand. I am too funny for most people. Anyway…

“knock knock”

Ned

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/20/2009 @ 4:32PM

Orange!

Ned

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/20/2009 @ 7:15PM

Orange you glad you hired Ned for your comedy show!

Ned

From Jarrod **************** to Me

11/20/2009 @ 8:07PM

stop sending me shit. i didnt even say whose there

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/20/2009 @ 9:19PM

I don’t get it. Is that the punchline? Who’s where? Should I come over?

Ned

From Jarrod **************** to Me

11/20/2009 @ 10:40PM

k wtf is wrong with you. you just kept sending me the joke. i didnt even write back. if you want a punchline ill give you one in your face if i ever see you

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/21/2009 @ 8:52AM

Jarrod,

That would be great. I always like hearing new jokes. It helps me stay in touch with what the kids think is funny these days.

Ned

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/22/2009 @ 10:34AM

Jarrod,

Oh I just got the joke. Can I use that in my act? Thanks in advance.

Ned

From Me to Jarrod ****************

11/29/2009 @ 2:25PM

Jarrod,

I know it’s been about a week since my last email.  Just wanted to let you know that the joke’s on you. I’m not even a comedian. LOLOLOL

Ned

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!