Battle Of The Bands (9)

By Ned on November 20th, 2009

Original Posting:

Electric violinist wants to join a band

I have been playing the electric violin for 4 years and want to start playing with a band. If you have an existing band and need a violinist please contact me.

Thanks!

Negotiation Strategy:

TNWE has a big battle coming up and needs some help to secure our victory. In my 5+ months of negotiation experience, I’ve realized that the hardest thing to get a seller to do is to risk his life for your benefit. My strategy was to make this guy feel stupid, and progressively more unqualified to make the decision. Then, he would simply just agree to do whatever I wanted so he could save face. If this had worked, I planned on repeating the steps and recruiting more minions and pawns to do my bidding in battle.

.

From Me to **************@*********.org

11/13/2009 @ 8:02PM

Hi there,

I am the leader of a band called The Ned Wingfield Experience (yes, that TNWE). As I’m sure you know, the TNWE have a killer saxophonist (me), a pretty sick drummer (Beatrice, my mom) and a vicious bassist (my buddy Mark). We are so close to being ready to destroy the competition but we need someone else to round out our troop. We are auditioning for a violinist. If you are skilled and a good fit, you might have a bright career ahead of you.

We’ll test you out by competing in a Battle of the Bands in about a month. If you make it through the battle, then you can join the band.

What’s your battle experience like?

Ned Wingfield

Band Leader & Saxophonist for The Ned Wingfield Experience (TNWE)

From Angus **************** to Me

11/13/2009 @ 9:21PM

Actually Ned, I have not heard of ‘TNWE’. What kind of music do you guys play?

I have 4+ years of experience but have never done a competition before.

Why don’t we meet up and see if we mesh?

Best,

Angus

From Me to Angus ****************

11/14/2009 @ 10:37AM

Hey Angus,

Since you lack battle experience I’m really quite worried that you won’t hold up. These things are usually much more intense than they appear on tv or in movies. Everything is louder and the ground actually shakes from all the noise. I’ve seen professionals piss their pants. My buddy Mark sharted his first time…do you know what that is Angus?!?

Now, the flyer said “classical instruments only” so I’m going to be using my compound bow. Do you have a bow or some other classical instrument?

Ned

From Angus **************** to Me

11/14/2009 @ 2:42PM

Yes of course. I own a carbon french bow. I prefer the electric violin but I play acoustic too.

What’s a compound bow though? Never heard of that.

Do you want to meet up soon to jam and see if we are a good match?

Best,

Angus

From Me to Angus ****************

11/16/2009 @ 7:54PM

Wow Angus.

I’m speechless. You don’t know what a compound bow is!!! You aren’t going to last a minute. The compound bow is only the most dominant bow in use in the United States. Duh… It revolutionized projectile warfare from the old English longbow. Are you even from this country?

Also, your bow sounds like a crap weapon. No offense.

Look Angus, I’m a nice guy and I’m willing to put in some time to train you if you join our band – but you have to be ready for intense battle simulations. The sparring arena in my backyard is too small, but fortunately there is a cemetery behind my backyard and we can go ‘jam’ there. FYI real men call it sparring.

You should make sure to bring your ‘bow’ and a bunch of arrows (or should I assume you don’t know what those are either?)

Obviously bring a kevlar jacket and a helmet. If you’re a bleeder then you can bring some band-aids but you don’t really need them since I always carry an emergency supply of Borneoan freshwater leeches.

Are you free Saturday? Let’s set up a time and start whipping you into shape. I want to get you trained since it would be a mild inconvenience to lose you in battle.

Ned

From Angus **************** to Me

11/16/2009 @ 9:11PM

Are you trying to recruit me for some fight? I am a violinist. A musician. I don’t get this?

From Me to Angus ****************

11/18/2009 @ 6:07PM

Angus,

I’m recruiting you for both. If you are actually this stupid then we will have a real problem on our hands during battle. No offense.

Ugh, ok…let me start over. I want you to fight with us in the Battle of the Bands. Once we kill the other bands, you can join our band. Since there will be no more competition, we will be the best band in the world. Why was that so hard to understand???

I have an incredible battle plan. As it is a “classical” battle, I’ve built a fully operational 25 foot trebuchet capable of delivering a 190 pound payload up to a football field away. When the other bands come out with only bows and knives, we will annihilate them. I’ve been talking some trash with the London Philharmonic about how I’m gunning for their conductor and they are so scared their lawyer sent me a cease and desist letter. As if I’ve ever obeyed one of those. LOL.

We can fire basically anything at our enemies including diseased animal corpses and rocks. If you die, we’ll probably end up firing your corpse too. Or, if you’re game, we could launch you while you’re still alive. Might be a cool way to go…

So Angus, are you in or are you in?

Ned

From Angus **************** to Me

11/19/2009 @ 9:35PM

I’m out. You sound delusional and should get some help.

From Me to Angus ****************

11/20/2009 @ 10:13AM

Aha! I am on to you “Angus”. You must be part of another band and you are trying to convince other participants to come unarmed!

Are you one of Bryan’s friends from that stupid group that kicked me out of my own band?

How foolish of me not to consider that there might be spies trying to gain access to our battle strategy! I hope I see you on the battlefield. Prepare to be dominated by TNWE…

As they say, you might have won the war but you haven’t won the battle!

Ned

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