Sparring Gear (5)

Original Internet Ad:
Children’s sparring gear and weapons – $25

This set includes basic foam training weapons, gloves and a vest. Teach your kids to spar. Toys in good condition. We just upgraded so we’re selling this one.

Negotiation Strategy:
It’s pretty tough to find people willing to spar. My plan was to entice this lady into bringing her kids over by describing my simulated battlefield. I think it was a bit too intense for her wussy kids so I’ll have to settle for Mark’s girl scouts…

Hello,

I’m actually interested in finding some worthy sparring partners. I already have equipment. Any interest in meeting up? I have a pretty good setup in my backyard.

Ned “Sarge” Wingfield

Dear Ned,

How old are your kids? What is this setup you have?

Karen

Hi Karen,

Well I’m not exactly certain how old my kids are. They probably range between 1-20 in age. That’s how long I’ve been “donating” my sperm. Anyway that’s a pretty personal question so let’s keep this about the sparring.

Thanks for asking about the setup. I’m very proud of it. It’s a recreation of the set from The Rock where Nicholas Cage and his team get annihilated by Ed Harris’ crew.

There is an elevated platform about 7 feet off the ground (bylaws prevented me going any higher unfortunately). It surrounds an enclosed middle area. The entire fortress is constructed out of concrete. The metal rods in the concrete are mostly shaved down so there are minimal opportunities for impalement or contracting tetanus (though I do generally insist on tetanus shots for all human visitors to my home).

On the second level there are original WWII sniper rifles mounted that can swivel to target people on the lower level. It is highly advantageous to start on the upper level as the towers provide a distinct angle advantage. I will start on the upper level (with my friend Mark) and your kids will start on the lower level. Their goal will be to take over the upper level without getting shot. The chances of them actually accomplishing this are pretty low but this will help them build character.

Now obviously I’ll empty the guns and replace live rounds with rubber bullets. So if someone gets hit they definitely feel it and they go down (thus simulating being shot) but they aren’t permanently killed. I also have a large assortment of throwing knives, spears and daggers for hand to hand combat. We’ll just keep the protective sheaths on them so make sure your kids understand that if they get hit with one of them they should pretend to be wounded. This avoids unnecessary injuries.

I don’t share my weapons though unless they are taken from me in battle. So your kids will have to bring their own (modified for my safety of course). What do you have in your armament?

Ned

Haha very funny. My kids are 7 and 9 and use foam weapons. I don’t think we’ll be coming to meet you whether or not this little fantasy of yours is real.

Karen

Karen,

This is no fantasy. This is a real simulated battle. I hope you reconsider. Mark is bringing over his Girl Scouts on Saturday for a simulation. The girls are 9-10 in age so that would be perfect for your kids. Plus, the more kids there are the lower the chances of your kids getting shot. Although to be fair, usually every kid ends up getting ‘out’. I’m pretty handy with a sniper rifle!

However, if you want your kids to get more individual attention let me know. I run Thermopolea training courses every 3rd weekend of the month. I’ll teach your kids to be tough and work together in a phalanx so that no bullies pick on them. Eg. How to yell “THIS IS SPARTA!” or “No Mercy!” in unison.

I’d love to get to know your children

Talk soon,

Ned

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