Roommate (10)

Original Internet Ad:
Want a roommate? – 25 M

Single, clean, straight guy in need of a place to live just outside ******** for a few months. I’m quiet and won’t disturb you. Looking to spend $300 or less.

E-mail or call ***-***-****.

Negotiation Strategy:
This guy sounds like a sucker. My plan is to entice him with the luxuries of my bungalow and get him to work for me. In other words, I’m getting someone to pay to work for me.  Pretty clever huh!

I have just the place for you. It’s a spacious attic bedroom that is fully furnished. Got a new kitchen and lots of decorations. What is your race/ethnicity?

Ned Wingfield

Hi Ned,
Does my race really matter? I’m “white”…
Greg

Greg,
Perfect. Just checking. My neighbors are Korean and Hungarian and I just wouldn’t want anyone around to side with them.
You aren’t Hungry right? Please advise.
Ned

No. Can you tell me a bit about yourself and your place. How old are you? What do you do? How many rooms your place has? Etc.
Greg

Greg,

Great. You are welcome to live with me. Rent will be $500. Since you are on a budget I am willing to drop it to $400 if you do some “routine” chores around the house. Do you have any experience with brick laying or tarring? Familiarity with deboning primates would also be a plus. Otherwise you’ll have to learn that the hard way.

About me and my place:

I am 25 (at heart). I am a professional saxophonist and an amateur DJ.

I am self-employed as a taxidermist. Don’t worry if that’s not your thing, all the carcasses are in my shed. Only the stuffed animals are in the house. Our room, in the attic, has a Dalmatian in it named Shelly. You’ll probably really like her. If you have any favorite animals I’d be happy to move some around to accommodate you.

The only one you can’t have is Kelly the Koala, she stays tucked in with me. My latest business venture is teddy bears that are real bears that are stuffed. Bears get pretty big so we only are going to use babies. I’m having some trouble with the government right now but once we clear that hurdle I think it will be the next big Christmas hit. Like tamagotchis. I have 12 of those by the way. You might have to babysit them for me occasionally when I go out.

Community service is really important to me. I volunteer as a hair sweeper at the barber shop. I’ve been trying to get more involved with other efforts like animal euthenasia, etc. I’m not certified yet so we’ll see. As my roommate you will obviously be expected to come volunteer with me.

My place is great. LoL! The office is quite spacious really since it is technically the master bedroom. I use the attic room that has a bunk bed. You can have the bottom bunk. There is a fully functional kitchen. I have an authentic wood burning oven. I mostly use it to incinerate animal remains, but it cooks a mean pizza too if that’s your thing.

Let me know if you have any other questions. Looking forward to meeting you!

Your roomie,

Ned

Greg,

I don’t know if you got my last e-mail. It was about me and my place. Did you get it?

Ned

I got it i’m just no longer interested.

Greg,

I see. I consider myself to be a master negotiator so you should be quite proud that I am willing to concede Kelly to you…

And I completely forgot the best part about living with me. I have a massive weapons cache. While you are with me, you can choose a few weapons for protection. I’ll even train you to use my beloved compound bow. You could not live in a safer place. I sleep with flash grenades under the bunkbed so nobody will mess with us.

You really couldn’t find a safer place to live.

Your roomie!!

Ned

Yeah but see the thing is its precisely the fact that you claim to have a stuffed koalla and a ‘weapons cache’ that makes me not want to live with you.

Greg,

Ok well let me know if you ever want to come by just for fun. We could hang out and you could meet my parents. Let me know when you’re free!

Going for pre bed snack now.

Ttyl roomie,

Ned

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