Ironman: The legacy of Pat (13)

Original Posting:
**** Professional steam Iron:

Barely used. Comes with box and instructions. $60 (willing to negotiate)

[picture included]

Negotiation Strategy:

My quest to become a superhero started when I was five and my mom bought be a superman suit. I jumped off my roof and then we won a big settlement in a lawsuit against the costume maker. Once I was 18 and got the money, I invested it in a real superman costume but it didn’t work either! I tried to sue the store that sold it to me but I lost that time and my superhero fortune was lost.

Now my quest has been revived. I…AM…IRON MAN…

Hi there,

I am a man looking for an iron.

Is it military grade?

Ned Wingfield

Not sure what you mean about military grade, but I have the iron in the posting if you want it.

Yours,

Pat

Hi Pat,

Would you consider a humanitarian discount?

Thanks,

Ned

What do you mean by that?

Yours,

Pat

Pat,

Well for example a few years ago when global warming was a fad I decided to help fight it. Although they don’t release the Nobel Prize nominee list, I heard from my Norwegian online bridge partner Sigurd that I was on the short list but lost narrowly to Al Gore.

My contribution to the world was that I purchased 26 refrigerators and connected them all to my neighbor’s power supply while she was on vacation and then ran them in my backyard with the doors open. I estimate I saved at least 6 polar bears. Though I also taxidermied 2 polar bears that year so maybe we should only count 4 of them as saved. Either way, it was a big deal.

My next humanitarian venture is to become a super hero so I can help facilitate world peace. I recently tried to gain super powers but mostly ended up with some serious radiation poisoning (acute radiation syndrome). The doctors say that I should regain my hair in a few years, though I might never have fingernails again.  :(

Anyway, I guess I have to be a superhero without superpowers. Fortunately, this “Iron Man” guy apparently has no super powers so I’m going to base my plan off of him. Now, I haven’t seen the movie yet but from what I understand this guy Tony Stark is a genius engineer and an industrialist playboy. So far I have most of that covered. All I need now is a military grade iron with which to defeat the enemies of peace.

That’s where you come in Pat. Your iron is the final piece of the puzzle. I can’t pay you much but when I win the Nobel I promise to mention your contribution in my acceptance speech. Obviously I won’t actually thank you, but when I say “Thank you world. I have no one thank but myself” you will know that I am secretly thanking you.

Hope that sounds like a fair deal to you too!

Ned

Hey Ned,

I think you have some research to do. You sound very confused about a lot of stuff. Maybe you should check out the movie first.

Sincerely,

Pat

Hi Pat,

I don’t need to see the movie. I was confused at first when I thought the movie was about one of those guys who competes in the Iron Man triathlon, but my friend Mark told that it wasn’t about that at all but rather was about a superhero named Iron Man. Anyway, I imagine it involves a lot of stain removal and wrinkle elimination.

I’ve been practicing my moves. I’ve been doing free ironing at a local laundromat and not only have I perfected the ’steam press’, I also made $6.75 in tips!

Once I have my own iron I will learn more advanced moves like ‘moisten’, ‘cord choke’, ‘gradual increase in temperature’ and ’steam burst’ (the advanced version of ’steam press’).

Obviously I can also give mild skin burns if anybody really causes trouble. And, if my enemy is in a bath tub, then I can plug in the iron, throw it in the bathtub and electrocute them. Watch out!

If you’re playing hardball because you hope I’m going to ask you to be my sidekick, then well done, sir. I accept. I’m not sure if Iron Man has a sidekick but feel free to start brainstorming names (Bleach Boy? Tumble-Dry-Low Dude?). Look forward to hearing from you.

Ned

Well Ned I would say you have yourself quite the plan there. I’ll decline being your sidekick but only because you sound like you don’t need my help. As much as I think giving you my iron for free will help save the world, I’m afraid I am going to keep looking for someone to offer me cash.

Yours,

Pat

Pat,

Of course I don’t need your help. I was just saying if you wanted to be my sidekick as a throw-in that I would be ok with that. Whatever Pat, I don’t need you or your iron.

Ned

Pat,

Maybe I was a bit brash. I guess I kind of need your iron. Is it still available?

Ned

Ned,

It is, but if you are still playing games then please don’t bother with me. The price is $60 and that’s final.

Pat

Pat,

To help get the message across, I’ve decided to use a medium more common to super heroes: the comic. This is hand drawn and it details my plan to take down my first arch-nemesis, my neighbor. Let me know if this changes your mind.

Ned

[attached: comic]

right….

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